Funny Humor on HumorPoint
Funny Humor on HumorPoint
Funny Humor on HumorPoint

The Perfect Quote

 Smart Presentation Humor, Smart Jokes, Smart One-Liners

Funny Humor on HumorPoint

Best Brother Wedding Toast

Entire Speech

A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.

Anne Lamott

There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at

Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.

John Thomas

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created

two human beings from scratch yet struggle to

assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

John Kinnear

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions

your wife asks for nothing.

Joey Adams

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Joseph Cossman

Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every

human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job. 

Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys

we could have done without, but overall, 

you've brought one joyous miracle after another. 

Robert Bostick

Sign On A Plumber’s Truck 

'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'


A new study finds that cats actually bond with people

like dogs do, but they’re too aloof to show it.

Which is why I named my cat Dad.

Colin Jost

My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”

I said, “That would be great son.”

“Or a Dinasoar.”

Michael Jr.

Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Skye Prata Baack Age 10

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the squirrel it could be done.

Skye Prata Baack Age 10

Give a kid a hammer

and he'll treat everything as a nail.


Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

To just running after a Frisbee.

Jim Gaffigan

The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.


The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.

It stands for Get Out Leave Family.

Jerry Seinfeld


A business place where you can relax

from your strenuous home life. 

Evan Esar

My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired

and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that

has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years

where people look at it and think

“Just tear it down and start all over again."

Bill Burr

Men don't live well by themselves.

They don't even live like people.

They live like bears with furniture.

Rita Rudner

To be siblings means you were created

from nothing in the same place.

Come on, what are the odds of that?

Robert Bostick

Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby.  

My hobby is make believe.

Skye Prata Baack Age 7

Mother always said that honesty was the best policy,

and money isn’t everything.

She was wrong about other things too.

Gerald Barzan

60 years later a woman was still affected by

her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"


Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.


I'm so compulsive about losing weight,

I weigh myself after I cough.

Elayne Boosler

Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.


This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day.

I watch it every day.

Robert Bostick

Before television dreams were our entertainment.

Sally Baack

“It’s the 21st century now.

So how come we don’t have flying cars?”

What do you think planes are?

Peter White

Airline insurance replaces the fear of death

with the comforting prospect of cash.


The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at

seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Jean Kerr

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’

and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:

Pull the door that says push.


I have a lot of growing up to do.

I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Zach Galifianakis

Study Finds Link Between Red Wine,

Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.

Onion Newspaper Headline

I saw a sign on a lawn that said,

“Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”

Then I saw an old man’s face in the window,

and his face also said that.

Jackie Pirico

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Abraham Lincoln

Arguments are to be avoided;

they are always vulgar and often convincing.

Oscar Wilde

Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.


They say you only use ten percent of your brain.

What about the other ten percent?

Lara Bliss

Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp

the frustration of someone else's feelings.

Robert Bostick

When a man comes to me for advice,

I find out what kind of advice he wants,

and give it to him.

Josh Billings

The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity

is to not hear anything about other people's lives.  

Robert Bostick

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

Lily Tomlin

I miss my old car. We would always play this fun

game where the engine light would come on,

and then I would just call its bluff.

Amy Bugg

The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived."

It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.

Robert Bostick

Did you know you have the right to remain silent

even when you’re not being arrested?

Evan Kessler

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer

but wish we didn’t.

Erica Jong

The President says since he's been in office

he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs.

 My brother-in-law has 4 of them. 

Bill Dyment

In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.

Bill Mayer

The nice thing about being a celebrity

is that when you bore people,

they think it's their fault.

Henry Kissinger

If the stock market experts were so expert,

they would be buying stocks not selling advice.

Norman Augustine

We are living in a world today where lemonade

is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish

is made from real lemons.

Alfred Newman

When I was young I used to think wealth and power

would bring me happiness. I was right.

Gahan Wilson

I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded.

Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and

one day you went in for your shift and they said,

“Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”

Matt Wright

They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.


Just Do It is a good slogan for Nike but 

a bad slogan for a suicide relief centre.

Jeff Keenan

People always tell me, “Everything happens for a reason.”

But they can never name the reason,

so basically they’re just telling me,

“Everything happens.”

D.J. Demers

Murphys Love Laws

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. 

Money can't buy love,

but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

All the good ones are taken.

If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. 

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got

and 50% what people think you've got.

Nothing improves with age.  

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly,

because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Ashleigh Brilliant

The other day a woman asked me to tell

her what Mansplaining was and I was like,

“Nice try...I have no idea.”

Demetri Martin

Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...

what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is

smart principals presidents...

Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.

Robert Bostick

When you go to a conference and you see a male speaker

who invented something big they get your attention.

When you go to a conference and see a female speaker

who created another human from nothing, ehh.

Robert Bostick

When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor,

they laugh at me. When I tell church people

I am a comedian, they pray for me.

Cliff Prang

Life is a picture. But you live in a pixel. 

Tim Urban

Advertising promotes an idealized life

because reality doesn't sell.

Robert Bostick

English is a funny language.

A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.

Jack Herbert

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are

constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

George Will

It’s good to have a plan: it’s better to have a plan b.

Mike Muzio

Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.

Andrew Sobel

It is curious that physical courage should be so

common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Mark Twain

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up

people together to collect wood and assign them tasks,

but rather teach them to long for the endless

immensity of the sea.

Antoine De Saint-Exupery

The real act of discovery

consists not in finding new lands

but of seeing with new eyes. 

Marcel Proust

I am always doing things I can’t do,

that’s how I get to do them.

Pablo Picasso

Underneath the hood of the car that is America, there  are

always a couple racist and sexist pistons pumping away.

Yes the car is moving but its defective pistons

always make the engine very troublesome.

Robert Bostick

White privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means

the color of your skin isn’t one of the things that makes it harder.


Quoted from "Jimmy Kimmel Live"

"Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible—

even if you're choking on it—until you let the sun in.

Then you see it's everywhere. As long as we keep shining

that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands.

But we have to stay vigilant, because it's always still in the air."

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

No white person wants to change places with a black person.

They don’t even want to exchange places with me, and I’m rich.

Chris Rock

Quoted from "Jon Stewart Is Back to Weigh In" New York Times

The response to police misconduct is that they’re just bad apples

- as if we have to tolerate a few in every basket. Really?

Anyone ready to tolerate a few bad apple pilots?

Robert Bostick

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the

Greeks wrote so many years ago: 

To tame the savageness of man and

make gentle the life of this world.

Bobby Kennedy

We live together as rational human beings or die together as fools.

Martin Luther King

I often tell young people that if you see something you think

is wrong and it bothers you, then with steady, loving confrontation,

you can get others to see the wrong in whatever it is that you see.

Lynda Lowrey, Civil Rights Activist

There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love if you knew their story.


Nobody knows the age of the human race,

but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. 


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The fact that everyone dies kills me.

Robert Bostick

The secret to a happy life is to run

out of cash and air at the same time.

Bobby Layne

Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.

The only question is how long the blip will be.

Wayne Ranney

​Did anyone dig for China when they were kids? Our

parents said if you dig all the way through the earth

you’d come out in China. We had one kid on our block

who dug down about ten feet digging for China and

I use to sneak in and throw egg rolls in the hole.

He thought he was getting close.

“Only a few more feet Dad.

I’m hitting something down here.”

Gary Shandling

A 2000 Gallon (8,000 quart) Water Tank Trailer

Not only is your heart hopefully full of love, but it also pumps

about 8,000 quarts of blood a day through its chambers.  

That works out to 332 quarts per hour or nearly 6 quarts

per minute. It takes about one minute for all the blood in

our body to make the round trip back to our heart.

That's a lot of pumping going on and we're not aware of any of it.

But wait, there's more.

Our heart beats about 100,000 times in one day

and about 35 million times in a year.

During an average lifetime, the human heart

will beat more than 2.5 billion times.

Now are you impressed with what you are?


Robert Bostick

 See the Heart Work in 3D

Funny Humor on HumorPoint

Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude

to the whole cosmos - the trees, the clouds, everything.

Thich Nhat Hanh

A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with

their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions.

A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots,

a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.

Michael Crichton

As a newspaper editor in the digital age, I always see if I can make a headline funny. The funnier the headline the more they click on it.


To handle yourself, use your head;

to handle others, use your heart.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The best essentially there to provide

you something to face the world with.

Bruce Springsteen

Life must be lived forwards;

but it can only be understood backwards.

Soren Kierkegaard

You yourself,

as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection.


The definition of success changes. Success is to live

your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be

something you're not. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself,

never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods

and you're lost and you see a path,

then by all means, you should follow that.

Ellen DeGeneres

Why is it only humans have the word “being” added?   

Why don’t we call dogs “dog beings’

or cockroaches 'cockroach beings.'

Robert Bostick


Once I wasn’t

Then I was

Now I ain’t again


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