The Perfect Quote
Smart Presentation Humor, Smart Jokes, Smart One-Liners
Best Brother Wedding Toast
A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at
Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created
two human beings from scratch yet struggle to
assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks for nothing.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every
human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job.
Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys
we could have done without, but overall,
you've brought one joyous miracle after another.
Sign On A Plumber’s Truck
'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people
like dogs do, but they’re too aloof to show it.
Which is why I named my cat Dad.
My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”
I said, “That would be great son.”
“Or a Dinasoar.”
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Give a kid a hammer
and he'll treat everything as a nail.
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee.
The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.
The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.
It stands for Get Out Leave Family.
A business place where you can relax
from your strenuous home life.
My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired
and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that
has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years
where people look at it and think
“Just tear it down and start all over again."
Men don't live well by themselves.
They don't even live like people.
They live like bears with furniture.
To be siblings means you were created
from nothing in the same place.
Come on, what are the odds of that?
Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby.
My hobby is make believe.
Skye Prata Baack Age 7
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy,
and money isn’t everything.
She was wrong about other things too.
60 years later a woman was still affected by
her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
I'm so compulsive about losing weight,
I weigh myself after I cough.
Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.
This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day.
I watch it every day.
Before television dreams were our entertainment.
“It’s the 21st century now.
So how come we don’t have flying cars?”
What do you think planes are?
Airline insurance replaces the fear of death
with the comforting prospect of cash.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at
seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’
and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:
Pull the door that says push.
I have a lot of growing up to do.
I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine,
Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.
Onion Newspaper Headline
I saw a sign on a lawn that said,
“Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”
Then I saw an old man’s face in the window,
and his face also said that.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Arguments are to be avoided;
they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain.
What about the other ten percent?
Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp
the frustration of someone else's feelings.
When a man comes to me for advice,
I find out what kind of advice he wants,
and give it to him.
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity
is to not hear anything about other people's lives.
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
I miss my old car. We would always play this fun
game where the engine light would come on,
and then I would just call its bluff.
The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived."
It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent
even when you’re not being arrested?
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
but wish we didn’t.
The President says since he's been in office
he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs.
My brother-in-law has 4 of them.
In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.
The nice thing about being a celebrity
is that when you bore people,
they think it's their fault.
If the stock market experts were so expert,
they would be buying stocks not selling advice.
We are living in a world today where lemonade
is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish
is made from real lemons.
When I was young I used to think wealth and power
would bring me happiness. I was right.
I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded.
Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and
one day you went in for your shift and they said,
“Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”
They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Just Do It is a good slogan for Nike but
a bad slogan for a suicide relief centre.
People always tell me, “Everything happens for a reason.”
But they can never name the reason,
so basically they’re just telling me,
Murphys Love Laws
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Money can't buy love,
but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
All the good ones are taken.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got
and 50% what people think you've got.
Nothing improves with age.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction.
The other day a woman asked me to tell
her what Mansplaining was and I was like,
“Nice try...I have no idea.”
Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...
what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is
smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals
...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...
Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.
When you go to a conference and you see a male speaker
who invented something big they get your attention.
When you go to a conference and see a female speaker
who created another human from nothing, ehh.
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor,
they laugh at me. When I tell church people
I am a comedian, they pray for me.
Life is a picture. But you live in a pixel.
Advertising promotes an idealized life
because reality doesn't sell.
English is a funny language.
A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are
constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
It’s good to have a plan: it’s better to have a plan b.
Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.
It is curious that physical courage should be so
common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Underneath the hood of the car that is America, there are
always a couple racist and sexist pistons pumping away.
Yes the car is moving but its defective pistons
always make the engine very troublesome.
White privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means
the color of your skin isn’t one of the things that makes it harder.
"Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible—
even if you're choking on it—until you let the sun in.
Then you see it's everywhere. As long as we keep shining
that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands.
But we have to stay vigilant, because it's always still in the air."
No white person wants to change places with a black person.
They don’t even want to exchange places with me, and I’m rich.
The response to police misconduct is that they’re just bad apples
- as if we have to tolerate a few in every basket. Really?
Anyone ready to tolerate a few bad apple pilots?
Let us dedicate ourselves to what the
Greeks wrote so many years ago:
To tame the savageness of man and
make gentle the life of this world.
We live together as rational human beings or die together as fools.
Martin Luther King
I often tell young people that if you see something you think
is wrong and it bothers you, then with steady, loving confrontation,
you can get others to see the wrong in whatever it is that you see.
There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love if you knew their story.
Nobody knows the age of the human race,
but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
The fact that everyone dies kills me.
The secret to a happy life is to run
out of cash and air at the same time.
Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.
The only question is how long the blip will be.
Did anyone dig for China when they were kids? Our
parents said if you dig all the way through the earth
you’d come out in China. We had one kid on our block
who dug down about ten feet digging for China and
I use to sneak in and throw egg rolls in the hole.
He thought he was getting close.
“Only a few more feet Dad.
I’m hitting something down here.”
A 2000 Gallon (8,000 quart) Water Tank Trailer
Not only is your heart hopefully full of love, but it also pumps
about 8,000 quarts of blood a day through its chambers.
That works out to 332 quarts per hour or nearly 6 quarts
per minute. It takes about one minute for all the blood in
our body to make the round trip back to our heart.
That's a lot of pumping going on and we're not aware of any of it.
But wait, there's more.
Our heart beats about 100,000 times in one day
and about 35 million times in a year.
During an average lifetime, the human heart
will beat more than 2.5 billion times.
Now are you impressed with what you are?
Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude
to the whole cosmos - the trees, the clouds, everything.
Thich Nhat Hanh
A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with
their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions.
A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots,
a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.
As a newspaper editor in the digital age, I always see if I can make a headline funny. The funnier the headline the more they click on it.
To handle yourself, use your head;
to handle others, use your heart.
The best music...is essentially there to provide
you something to face the world with.
Life must be lived forwards;
but it can only be understood backwards.
as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.
The definition of success changes. Success is to live
your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be
something you're not. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself,
never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods
and you're lost and you see a path,
then by all means, you should follow that.
Why is it only humans have the word “being” added?
Why don’t we call dogs “dog beings’
or cockroaches 'cockroach beings.'
Once I wasn’t
Then I was
Now I ain’t again