The Perfect Quote
Smart Presentation Humor, Smart Jokes, Smart One-Liners
Taking a Business Call at Home with Kids
The best way to start a speech: "I'm going to make this quick."
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea
and executing it, is the difference between
looking at the moon,
and getting there.
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he
never replied to me. I don't know what his problem is?
I mean, I don't even know the guy.
With the coronavirus, ‘Stay in your Lane’
has been updated to ‘stay in your pajamas.’
I don’t think it’s an accident Zoom contains the word Zoo.
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night
and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them.
It worked out though, because I was going to
return them anyway.
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The
whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was,
"I should cut my bangs."
I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called
and said she lost her job and her husband,
and that made me feel a little better.
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World.
It makes me think of a magical place
that becomes less comfortable over time.
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inches in diameter
- is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter.
The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
Loving to play golf is par for the course.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
Corporate leaders today have
gone from big thinkers
to gig thinkers.
Now is the most difficult time to invest.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten
million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front
and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.
"I wish they would just call the news, 'What's wrong.'
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.
I don’t mean to brag but
I finished my 14-day diet
in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
N: "What’s your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad,
cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
I got a job at an amusement park.
I liked to make the rides more terrifying by
throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Everyone uses Virtual Reality.
They're called dreams.
Life usually requires that we pay for our mistakes.
What you are going through now is that payment.
You can always tell when a man's well-informed.
His views are pretty much like yours.
There is always an easy solution to every human problem
--neat, plausible and wrong.
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...
"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.
Want to tell a joke?
The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.
But where would you find one?
Six 'Question' Jokes
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says
"Who shot my paw?"
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing?
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your dog back, your wife back,
your house back and you sober up.
Something that makes a mild cold into
a deadly disease within 24 hours.
Poster on Neighborhood Tree
LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right
ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.
When we say Glass Ceiling, we mean Men.
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin."
“Well, after the first two I felt better”
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters
Listen = Silent
Elvis = Lives
Debit card = Bad credit
Dormitory = Dirty room
Stressed = Desserts
Dog = God
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move.
Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
The two most powerful phrases in the English language are,
“Good News,” and “You’re Right.” The reason is simple:
It's good news topped by even better news.
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
Without creative people this world would be
as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.
Don't come home without it either.
Women create and give birth to all our leaders,
our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs,
our teachers, and every president.
It’s truly a woman’s world.
So why do men run it?
Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking.
Especially knowing that for every homeless person
living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.
Be grateful for what you’re not going through.
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity
is to not hear anything about other people's lives.