Funny Humor on HumorPoint
Funny Humor on HumorPoint
Funny Humor on HumorPoint

The Perfect Quote

 Smart Presentation Humor, Smart Jokes, Smart One-Liners

Taking a Business Call at Home with Kids

             Ray Romano

The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea

 and executing it, is the difference between

 looking at the moon,

 and getting there.

 Robert Bostick

I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he

never replied to me. I don't know what his problem is?

I mean, I don't even know the guy.

Robert Bostick

I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night

and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them.

It worked out though, because I was going to return them anyway.

Sally Baack

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The

whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was,

"I should cut my bangs."

Bonnie McFarlane

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There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World.

It makes me think of a magical place

that becomes less comfortable over time.

Demetri Martin

Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inches in diameter

- is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter.

The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.

John Cunningham

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Al Boliska

   Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?

Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Ray Floyd

Corporate leaders today have

gone from big thinkers

to gig thinkers.

Robert Bostick

Now is the most difficult time to invest.

Unknown

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten

million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.

Hobart Brown

1st World War

2nd World War

3rd World War~ming

Robert Bostick

"I wish they would just call the news, 'What's wrong.'

"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."

Demitri Martin

When someone rings the doorbell,

why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

Unknown

If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.

Matt Ruby

I don’t mean to brag but

I finished my 14-day diet

in 3 hours and 12 minutes.

Unknown

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Funny Humor on HumorPoint

Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"

P:"John."

N: "What’s your Birthdate?"

P: "February 23, 1970"

N: Are you Married?"

P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."

Unknown

I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad,

cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.

Unknown

I got a job at an amusement park.

I liked to make the rides more terrifying by

throwing a few screws onto the seats.

Emo Phillips

Life usually requires that we pay for our mistakes.

What you are going through now is that payment.

Gordon Livingston

LONLINESS

Robert Bostick

You can always tell when a man's well-informed.

His views are pretty much like yours.

Bob Hope

There is always an easy solution to every human problem

--neat, plausible and wrong.

H.L. Mencken

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.   

Anonymous

Things do not change; we change.

Henry David Thoreau

I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.

Joe Lewis

Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...

"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.

Seth Meyers

Funny Humor on HumorPoint

Want to tell a joke?

The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.

But where would you find one?

Here.

Six 'Question' Jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says

"Who shot my paw?"

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing? 

I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Robin, get in the car.

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get your dog back, your wife back, 

your house back and you sober up.

Web MD

Something that makes a mild cold into

a deadly disease within 24 hours. 

Unknown

Poster on Neighborhood Tree 

LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right

ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.

Unknown

There are two kinds of people in the world.

Those who use coasters,

and those who don’t.

Jura Koncius

 

We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.

Unknown

 

When we say Glass Ceiling, we mean Men.

Women

I love my job, it’s the work I hate.

Winston Churchill

“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself

by taking a thousand aspirin."

“What happened?”

“Well, after the first two I felt better”

Gene Perrett

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people,

but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates

just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris

The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy.

Maskulinity.

Robert Bostick

"Reality" is the only word in the English language

that should always be used in quotes.
Unknown

The worst time to experience fight or flight is on a plane.

Robert Bostick

Cheerios is a good name for a cereal

but a bad name for a funeral home.

Unknown

Kleenex may be a good name for a tissue, 

but it's an excellent name for a divorce law firm.

Paul Kondis

Air France is a good name for an airline

but a bad name for a deodorant.

Danny Bravman

BP is a good name for a gas company 

but a bad name for a honey company.

Elden Carnahan

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Unknown

Spring is nature's way of saying let's party. 

Robbin Williams

I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks,

you can just say I’m outstanding.

Unknown

Funny Humor on HumorPoint

We can put a man on the moon

but we can't remove ourself from a group text.

Robert Bostick

The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously

- and have someone find out.

Oscar Wilde

Nobody gets the life we planned, 

we get what God plans

and we spend the rest of our lives

trying not to hold it against him.

Connie Schultz

The less people know, the more they yell.

Seth Godin

Two things are necessary for great achievement:

a plan and not quite enough time.

Leonard Bernstein

We have a rule in our office:

The first one to arrive in the morning makes the coffee.

Everyone after that complains about it.

Gene Perret

One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.

Margo Kaufman

Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for

each money saving idea submitted by its employees?

The first prize went to the employee who suggested

the award be cut to $50. 

Matt Silverman

If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead,

look at any office at quitting time.

Robert Townsend

Does a professional speaker have to include humor in his talk?

No. Only if he wants to get paid.

National Speakers Association

Laughter short circuits the natural human instinct to judge. 

Patrick Schwerdtfeger 

Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'.

He is merely starting afresh.

Robert Morley

What is the root word of the word funny?

Robert Bostick

You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair

and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the

last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Steven Wright

You need your body to function well to be productive at work.

Your job is to keep it fed, rested and motivated.

Robots don't need any of that.

Hence their appeal.

Robert Bostick

The factory of the future will have only two employees,

a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog.

The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.

Warren Bennis

The average person thinks he isn't. 

Larry Lorenzoni

The Power of Inspirational Quotes to Annoy Others.

Vooza

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With the coronavirus, ‘Stay in your Lane’

has been updated to ‘stay in your pajamas.’

Robert Bostick

Without creative people this world would be

as unimaginative as you can imagine.

Robert Bostick

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.

Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, 

it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Kurt Vonnegut

Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters

Listen = Silent

Elvis = Lives

Debit card = Bad credit

Dormitory = Dirty room

Stressed = Desserts

Dog = God   

Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:

“Okie Dokie."

"You’re darn tootin.”

Robert Bostick

If you want a good golf swing

adjust the nut at the other end of the club!

 Grant McKay

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Unknown

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Unknown

One of my co-workers brought his young son to work

with him. My friend had warned us that his son was a

little shy, so we were all a little surprised to see how 

eager he was to meet all of us. As the day wore on

and it got close to quitting time, I happened to notice

how unhappy the youngster appeared to be and I asked

him why he was so disappointed. His answer had all of

us rolling with laughter. He complained that he never 

got to see the clowns his dad said he worked with.

Clyde Fahlman

Women create and give birth to all our leaders,

our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs,

our teachers, and every president.

It’s truly a woman’s world.

So why do men run it?

Robert Bostick

If you ever start taking things too seriously,

just remember that we are talking monkeys on an

organic spaceship flying through the universe.

Joe Rogan

I love watching squirrels...

they always look like they're up to something.

Robert Bostick

Each day I have one simple goal:

steer clear of the bad neighborhoods of my mind.

Robert Bostick

Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness

and just be happy.

Guillaume Apollinaire

Start by starting.

Meryl Streep

Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.

Zen proverb

Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.

Robert Bostick

If you were happy every day of your life

you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host. 

Veronica Sawyer

Life is really hard,

but to be fair to life,

death is not all it’s cracked

up to be either.

Robert Bostick

We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age;

but we’re all equal in the opportunity

to be astonished by our existence.

Robert Bostick

We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone

should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized

and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

Charles Bukowski 

Your ego is not your amigo. 

B.J. Novak

We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.

General Douglas MacArthur

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative,

a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Franklin P. Jones

Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.

Mel Brooks

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Albert Einstein

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,

they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool

and throw them fish?

Unknown

Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached

Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt.

He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!”

She responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”

True Story

It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out;

it’s the pebble in your shoe.

Muhammad Ali

Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.

Unknown

The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity

is to not hear anything about other people's lives.  

Robert Bostick

Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same

outweighs the pain of change.

Arthur Burt

Perhaps of all the communication strategies that leaders utilize,

the use of humor is most promising, but least understood.

C. B. Crawford

If there was ever a time we needed humor, it's now.

Robert Bostick

Regardless of the changes in technology,

the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.

Steve Burnett 

The shortest distance between two people is laughter.

Victor Borge

If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.

Sarah Jones

Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.

Don't come home without it either.

Robert Bostick

Argument is the worst sort of conversation.

Jonathan Swift

The most important thing to know in life

is how to be friendly.

Drake Prata Baack Age 8

We've all heard of Fake news.

Now we're accessorizing 

Fake News with Fake Brains.

Robert Bostick

Brain Humor on HumorPoint

Order yours Here.

Learn 67 Facts About The Brain Here.

There are more stars in our Universe than there

are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.

Carl Sagan

Source

Funny Humor on HumorPoint

I still believe that love is all you need.

I don’t know a better message than that. 

Paul McCartney.

Open your presentation with this video and bill it as a

'Yawn Public Service Announcement.' 'A Yawn PSA'

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs,

jolted by every pebble on the road. 

Henry Ward Beecher

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