Smart Openers, Ice-Breakers, Closers, and
Pithy One-Liners to Spark Your Presentation

The Perfect Quote

Pithy Wit, Wisdom & Charm

*Pithy - a statement that is precise, cleverly worded, and

often punctuated with a touch of surprising wit and insight.

You only have to demonstrate intelligent wit one time for people to never forget that you possess it.

Robert Bostick

Next to be being witty myself, the next best thing is to quote another's wit. 

Christian N. Bovey

I quote others only to better express myself.

Michel De Montaigne

To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach him to be funny; you give him great lines.

Robert Bostick

The right words in the right order to the right people can get you anywhere in life.
Unknown

The definition of wit is 'a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor.'  Wit implies mental sharpness, inventiveness, and keen intelligence.
Merriam-Webster

People often will remember a funny quote longer than other parts of your presentation,” Cherie Kerr says. “I remember listening once to a long speech, little of which I recall today, except the speaker saying at the end, ‘And, to quote Lily Tomlin, remember that we’re all in this together - by ourselves.’ It was funny, but it also drove home the point she was trying to make.”

Dave Zelinski

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Your Pitch-Perfect Levity Treasure Trove

You can easily turn any quote you love into a

graphic image by clicking on the image below.

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Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing.

Unknown

Someone doing CrossFit could do it for 30 minutes,

then tell you about it forever.

    Unknown  

 

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Unknown

I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband and that made me feel a little better.

Amy Foster

I'm launching a self-help podcast about self-help podcasts.

Robert Bostick

The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."

Robert Bostick

When management wants your opinion, they’ll give it to you.

Unknown

I don't think it’s an accident the word Zoom contains the word Zoo.

Robert Bostick

They shouldn't have called it zoom. 

Co-vid would have been a better name.

Unknown

I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier. This is the single greatest advancement to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.

Would pay extra for this feature.

Phil Libin

B2B doesn't need to stand for "Boring to Boring."

Guillaume Moubeche

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?

Al Bolisk

Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters.

How - Who

Listen - Silent

Elvis - Lives

Debit card - Bad credit

Dormitory - Dirty room

Stressed - Desserts

Smile - Slime

Dog - God

Robert Bostick

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses.

The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was,

"I should cut my bangs."

Bonnie McFarlane

I love waking up in the morning and having those three precious seconds before remembering what's wrong.

Unknown

It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.

Robert Bostick

We’re all in this together - by ourselves.

Lily Tomlin

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at

seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Jean Kerr

What is the similarity between the Eiffel Tower and a bug?

They're both Parisites. 

Unknown

When somebody asks you, how's business, you say, and say it with enthusiasm, 'UNBELIEVABLE!' cause that'll cover it either way.

Tom Hopkins

1998

1. Don't get into strangers' cars.

2. Don't meet people from the internet.

2022

Literally, summon people from the internet to get into their car.

Visual Here

Shouldn't the computer spam folder be called the scam folder?

Robert Bostick

 The correct reply to 90% of social media posts:

"You should meditate and go for a walk."

Matt Ruby

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the squirrel it could be done.

Skye Prata Baack Age 10

The best form of dementia is when you have no recollection of your past or thoughts of the future.  You’re just happy now. You’re like a dog.

Robert Bostick

How would I describe entrepreneurship? It’s a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired.

Robert Strauss

The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon,

and getting there.

Robert Bostick

Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50. 

Matt Silverman
 

The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.

Matt Ruby

You need your body to function well to be productive at work.

Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.

Robots don't need any of that.

Hence their appeal.

Robert Bostick

There are many ways to measure wealth.

The guy on the left has a billion dollars in the bank.

The guy on the right has a fully functioning liver.

The guy on the left needs one.

Whose richer?

Robert Bostick

Success is to live your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be something you're not. Follow your passion, stay true to

yourself, never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, then by all means,

you should follow that.

Ellen DeGeneres

I just want to feel what it feels like to have male confidence.

My fantasy of what it’s like to be a guy is you wake up in the morning, and your eyes open, and you’re like “I’m awesome! People probably want to hear what I have to say!”

Chelsea Peretti

Anti-science people like to use 'feel' facts.

'Feel' facts aren’t technically facts...they just 'feel' true.

Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’

Kate McKinnon

 We’re here for a good time not a long time.

That’s where humor comes in.

Robert Bostick

The first heartbeat we hear is our mother.  

Unknown

More often than not, it's you vs. yourself.

Lori Jean Glass

Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small.

Ruth Rendler
                             

       

The harder you work, the luckier you get. 

Joe Ricketts

 

                                                                                             

Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest.

The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts,

“Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.”

The managers, “Shut up!  We’re making progress."

Stephen Covey

The goal of life is to do whatever it takes to stay

out of the bad neighborhoods of our mind.

Robert Bostick

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my

14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.

Unknown

I never thought I'd be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right. 

Unknown

"I’m meditating intermittently." "I’ve been working out intermittently."  "I’ve been fasting intermittently." I love the word intermittently. It means 'irregular intervals; not continuously or steadily.' It's the perfect word for not doing something but being able to say you are.

Robert Bostick

Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea and not over the Bay?

Because then they would be called Bagels.   

Unknown

I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied back to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean,

I don't even know the guy.

Robert Bostick

Whenever I get a big bill for an unexpected car repair

I always ask myself what did I do wrong to deserve this?

It’s called Carma.

Robert Bostick

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me. I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.

Norm Macdonald. R.I.P.

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.

Hobart Brown

Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere,

and now they’re just weird.

Jim Gaffigan

It takes a player to make a shot, but it takes a team to win the game.

Unknown

Whatever you do always give 100 %.

Unless you are donating blood.

Unknown

The only thing that helps me feel better these days

is knowing how much worse things could be.

I call it positive negative thinking.

Robert Bostick

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than

“I quit halfway through a marathon”

Unknown

Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.

Jim Gaffigan

CEO EGO

The spelling similarity is uncanny. 

Robert Bostick

Three email subject lines that people are sure to open:

"This is Hilarious"  "So Funny"  "shortest email ever"

Robert Bostick

When we say "Glass Ceiling," we mean Men.

Women

In this country, you're guilty until proven wealthy.

Bill Mayer

Women are moving into Management everywhere today.

What do we call an executive team consisting of all women?

Womanagement.

Robert Bostick

If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!

Grant McKay

We don't have business hours. Only hours. 

Ben Edson

The Power of Mind over (does it really) Matter.

Robert Bostick

Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.

The only question is how long the blip will be.

Wayne Ranne

Life is simply what our feelings do to us.

Honore de Balzac

We are asleep until we fall in love.

Leo Tolstoy

 I’m not retiring. I’m rewiring.

Jay Steinfeld 

I marvel that human beings don't marvel more. Our brains most of the time have our marvel switch switched to "Off." It's too bad because we are much happier when it is switched to "On."

Robert Bostick

    'Plandid': a planned photo designed to look candid.

Dictionary

'Defenestration': The action of throwing someone out of a window.

It makes you wonder who decides when we need a new word.

Dictionary

Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.

Unknown

You can’t become a decent horseman until you fall off and get up again, a good number of times. There’s life in a nutshell.

Bear Grylls

You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.

John C. Maxwell

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

Lily Tomlin

Always seek the approval of others. It fills the emptiness inside you.

It also makes the emptiness larger so that it can hold

more approval. 

Unknown

Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded.

Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and

one day you went in for your shift and they said,

“Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”

Matt Wright

I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return them anyway.
Susie Lewis

 I meditate just so I can have the ego stroke I get from thinking,

"I just meditated."

Matt Ruby 

It is a good thing that life is not as serious

as it seems to a waiter.

Don Herold

In a business relationship, it’s more important to make things right than to be right. Actually it's true in every relationship. 

Robert Bostick

My Grandmother thought 'WTF' meant Wow That's Fun.

Andrew Tarvin

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't 

remove ourself from a group text.

Robert Bostick

Why do they say, “Heads up!” when you’re supposed to duck?

Unknown"

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”

Demetri Martin

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Kin Hubbard

1st World War

2nd World War

3rd World War~ming

Robert Bostick

Planting trees takes carbon out of the atmosphere. Now we just

need scientists to tell us which trees offer the best bang for their bark.

Robert Bostick

I took my eyes off the road and got in a car accident the other day. 

It was stupid. While I was driving I started reading my CVS receipt.

Robert Bostick

I'm starting to treat every phone call like I'm on a podcast.

Just two people talking with no one else listening.

Robert Bostick

 

 

When someone rings the doorbell,

why do dogs always assume it's for them?

Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.

Unknown

 

If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.

Matt Ruby

Death destroys the man, but the idea of death saves him.

E. M. Forster

Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"

P: "John."

N: "Your Birthdate?"

P: "February 23, 1970"

N: Are you Married?"

P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."

Unknown

I’m thinking of setting up a price comparison comparison website to compare price comparison websites.

Stephen Cookson

Word of mouth is how people used to find out about your business.

Now it's word of mouse.

Robert Bostick

51% Of people think stormy weather affects 'Cloud Computing.'

Source

In the end, everything is a gag.

Charlie Chaplin

When perfectionism is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun.

Brene Brown

I don't mean to sound judgmental

but judgmental should really have an e after the g.

Matt Rudy

Designing a presentation without an audience in mind is like writing a love letter and addressing it: To Whom It May Concern.

Ken Hamer

Sales is like sex. Nothing happens until someone gets excited.

Elizabeth Bachman  

 

Our company had such a bad year, we made the Misfortune 500.

Unknown

Acronyms

BING = Bing Is Not Google

PBS. Primarily British Shows.

   H.O.P.E.  Hold On, Pain Ends

Etc.  End of Thinking Capacity.

M.A.I.D  Mother Actually In Disguise

C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping

HumorPoint

I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.

Unknown

You can't read about push-ups. You gotta do them.

Gary Vee

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

All serious and no laughter make Jack a dull presenter too.

Robert Bostick

It feels significant that most five-year-olds are far less boring

than most 45-year-olds.  It’s because they make us laugh

just by being themselves.

Robert Bostick

High school reunions are tough. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you've only got six months to make something of yourself.

Unknown. 

Eating is like being an artist.

When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.

Beth Sterling 

Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

Unknown

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!”

and it yells “Down here! In the couch cushions!”

Unknown

 

My mind is always talking to me. I think it's lonely.

Robert Bostick

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.

Shawn Alexander

One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.

Margo Kaufman

The first sign of ethics is you get a feeling you shouldn’t be doing this. I get that feeling every time I’m about to clean the house.

Sally Baack

He couldn't tell the truth to a mirror.

Neal Katval

People are like teabags; you never know how strong they'll be until they're in hot water.

Rita Mae Brown

Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:

“Okie Dokie."

"You’re darn tootin.”

Robert Bostick

Everyone has flatulence. 

Why? Because we live in a biological factory.

To hide it we live in clothing.

Robert Bostick

Policeman, Fireman, Weatherman, Mailman, Handyman, and the executive team of every company being called, MANagement.

Oh, so that's what they mean when they say it's a man's world. 

Robert Bostick

If a thing is done well, no one will ask how long it took to do it,

but only, who did it.

John Taylor

It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out;

it’s the pebble in your shoe.

Muhammad Ali

The biggest marketing mistake in history was Campbell's Soups for One. They might as well have called it Cream of Loser Soup.

'Open can. Add tears.'

Traci Skene

When I die I want my last words to be,

"I left a million dollars under the..."

Unknown

Statistically, you are more likely to die on the way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to win the lottery itself.

Source
 

One restaurant that doesn’t deliver, that should, is a food truck.

Just drive it to my house.

Demetri Martin   

Startup investors live by the adage,

"Bet on the Jockey, not on the horse."

What about the track?

Robert Bostick

When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business.

Lenny Bruce

I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

I would meditate more if calming my mind wasn't so stressful.

Robert Bostick

 

What’s the definition of minor surgery.

An operation performed on somebody else.

Unknown

Home is the place where no matter where you're sitting,

you're looking at something you should be doing.

Unknown

I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.

Unknown

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

Unknown

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Rita Rudner

My room was clean but then I had to decide what to wear.

Unknown

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I would like to. 

Linda Evans

I believe that mental health is as important as physical health.

So whenever I see a jogger I yell at them,

“What are you running from, honey?”

Jenny Hamilton

The universe is not short on wake-up calls.

We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.

Brené Brown

A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.

Colin Jost

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.

James Thurber

 

 

"Now?!" - kids to most everything.

Unknown

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb.

None. It’s a hardware problem.

Unknown

Your ego is not your amigo. 

B.J. Novak

Let go or be dragged.

Zen proverb

Looking for your last four words or an epitaph for your tombstone?

Might I suggest...

"That was hella fun."

Robert Bostick

Success is all about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

Winston Churchill

Oh no, I’m having a stroke...of Genius.

Mel Brooks

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. 

Unknown

From a chance meeting of a sperm and an egg to the starting up of a heartbeat from nothing, and then in 9 months we come out smiling. And people think what is happening here on this planet is normal. 

Robert Bostick

People are being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to create impressions that won't last on people we don't care about. 
Tim Jackson

Statistics are numbers with the tears wiped away.

Paul Brodeur

HR: “What’s your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Interviews”

HR: “And besides that?”

Me: “Follow up questions”​

Unknown

Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Me. "Taking your job and asking better interview questions."

Adam Grant

 

On the flight out I saw the pilot biting his nails as he headed into the cockpit.  I'd never seen that before. What am I suppose to think. Is he nervous about the plane? Should I be nervous?  Am I going to die? Isn't there a law against nail biters becoming pilots?" 

Robert Bostick

Life is really hard, but, to be fair to life,

death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.

Robert Bostick

​​

Music Festivals: where people don't ask why you're carrying a stuffed dinosaur, they ask the dinosaur's name

or if they can dance with it.

Unknown 

We can put a man on the moon but we can't*

*Make me a robot that can fold my laundry.

*Make a grass that grows two inches and stops.

*Understand what the conductors are saying over
the PA system on the Metro/Subway lines.
HumorPoint

Food is my anxiety medication.

Robert Bostick

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying.” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive.

Unknown

Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?

Ans: U stop imagining…

Unknown

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Anger is always a bad strategy, and a deceptive one too. Deceptive because it feels so good.

Robert Bostick  

Without creative people, this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.

Robert Bostick

Children are the angels of the human race...our better angels.

Robert Bostick

Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president. It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?

Robert Bostick

Women have always been an equal part of the past,

just not an equal part of history.

Gloria Steinham

To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?

Robert Bostick

A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed,

“You must have had a lot of husbands!”

Esther Dawson

“It’s the 21st century now.

So how come we don’t have flying cars?”

What do you think planes are?

Peter White

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Unknown

Why don't they call quicksand slowsand?

Unknown

A humorist is a fellow who realizes, first, that he is no better than anybody else, and, second, that nobody else is either. Homer McLin

I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.

Jennifer Wright

Dogs don’t think about many things.

That’s what distinguishes them from us.

Every day they wake up happy and think,

"Wow! Another fantastic day!”

Robert Bostick

 

         

Ever notice how everything COSMIC becomes COMIC if you don't see the S.

Unknown

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Buzzwords" are words substituted for thinking and ideas.

Unknown

I’ve noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

R.V. Lucas

We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence. 

Robert Bostick

“It’s not the end of the world.” Yes, thank you for reminding me that there’s always one worse outcome than what is.

Unknown

Researchers analyzed Sigmund Freud and determined he was always afreud.  Afreud of his father and mother.

Unknown

Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing

Unknown

2 guys walked into a bar; the 3rd one ducked.

Unknown

Ninety-five percent of people who tell "Two Guys in a Bar" jokes are two guys in a bar. 
Robert Bostick
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
Abraham Lincoln

Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.

Don't come home without it either.

Robert Bostick

Fight as if you’re right, listen as if you’re wrong.

Karl Weick

Video calls are just modern seances.

"Someone wants to join us",

"Elizabeth, are you there?", "I can't hear you", "can you hear us?"

Unknown

It isn't news anymore. It's hour-by-hour warnings.

Paul Harvey

"I wish they would just call the news,

'What's wrong.'

"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."

Demitri Martin

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

Franklin P. Adams

The longest song in the world is the Happy Birthday song to a toddler who is ready to help blow out some candles.

Unknown

 

Before television dreams were our entertainment.

Sally Baack

Creativity is intelligence having fun.

Albert Einstein

My primary stress reduction activity is eating impulsively.

Robert Bostick

Life is brutiful.

Glennon Doyle

When you're an easily offended hammer, everything looks like an offensive nail.

Matt Ruby

The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.

Brené Brown

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is

a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than

it’s worth.

Mary Schmich

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.

Demetri Martin

Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.

John Cunningham

Presentation

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Ray Floyd

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

   Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?

Unknown

Corporate leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.

Robert Bostick

No one is ever going to come up to you and complain to you that your talk was too short.

David Nihill

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.   

Anonymous

Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.

Robert Bostick

 

 

Have you ever noticed the data

you get from your ego is one-sided?​

Robert Bostick

Be grateful for what you’re not going through.

Sam Harris

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Unknown

When someone rings the doorbell,

why do dogs always assume it's for them?

Unknown

Laughter is your best medicine. 

International Pharmaceutical Association

“We interrupt our regular program to bring you this special bulletin:

It’s a nice day outside.”

Charles Schulz

I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.

Unknown

There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.

Unknown

I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.

Emo Phillips

Let's face it.

If there was ever a time we needed humor

it's now.

Robert Bostick

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

Bob Hope
 

I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.

Laura Marie

When you miss the target, never in history has it been the target’s fault.

Unknown

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.

Robert Morley

There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.

H.L. Mencken

 

 

Things do not change; we change.

Henry David Thoreau

Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it.

Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

Unknown

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I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.

Joe Lewis