The Busy Professional’s Humor Toolbox for Communication Success
California
Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
to Spark Your Presentation
The Perfect Quote
Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
to Spark Your Presentation
The Perfect Quote
The Power of Wit & Wisdom
You only have to demonstrate intelligent wit one time for people to never forget that you possess it.
Robert Bostick
Next to be being witty myself, the next best thing is to quote another's wit.
Christian N. Bovey
I quote others only to better express myself.
Michel De Montaigne
To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach him to be funny; you give him great lines.
Robert Bostick
The right words in the right order to the right people can get you anywhere in life.
Unknown
A well-delivered one-liner is a sign of wit. The definition of wit is 'a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor.' Wit implies mental sharpness, inventiveness, and keen intelligence.
Merriam-Webster
People often will remember a funny quote longer than other parts of your presentation,” Cherie Kerr says. “I remember listening once to a long speech, little of which I recall today, except the speaker saying at the end, ‘And, to quote Lily Tomlin, remember that we’re all in this together - by ourselves.’ It was funny, but it also drove home the point she was trying to make.”
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Your Pitch-Perfect Levity Treasure Trove
You can easily turn any quote you love into a
graphic image by clicking on the image below.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?
Al Boliska
When somebody asks you, how's business, you say, and say it with enthusiasm, 'UNBELIEVABLE!' cause that'll cover it either way.
Tom Hopkins
The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."
Robert Bostick
1998
1. Don't get into stranger's cars.
2. Don't meet people from the internet.
2021
Literally, summon people from the internet to get into their car.
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
Robert Bostick
The correct reply to 90% of social media posts:
"You should meditate and go for a walk."
Matt Ruby
How would I describe entrepreneurship? It’s a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired.
Robert Strauss
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon,
and getting there.
Robert Bostick
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50.
Matt Silverman
The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.
Matt Ruby
Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest.
The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts,
“Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.”
The managers, “Shut up! We’re making progress."
Stephen Covey
My #1 job every day is to steer clear of the bad neighborhoods of
my mind. When I stumble into one I get roughed up real bad.
Robert Bostick
I don’t mean to brag but I finished my
14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
Unknown
I never thought I'd be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Unknown
When we say "Glass Ceiling," we mean Men.
Women
Women are moving into Management everywhere today.
What do we call an executive team consisting of all women?
Womanagement.
Robert Bostick
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Grant McKay
We don't have business hours. Only hours.
Ben Edson
You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.
John C. Maxwell
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
Lily Tomlin
Always seek the approval of others. It fills the emptiness inside you.
It also makes the emptiness larger so that it can hold
more approval.
Unknown
It is a good thing that life is not as serious
as it seems to a waiter.
Don Herold
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't
remove ourself from a group text.
Robert Bostick
I'm starting to treat every phone call like I'm on a podcast.
Just two people talking with no one else listening.
Robert Bostick
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Kin Hubbard
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”
Demetri Martin
Word of The Day:
Defenestration (n)
The action of throwing someone out of a window.
Grammar Lesson:
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters:
How = Who
Listen = Silent
Elvis = Lives
Debit card = Bad credit
Dormitory = Dirty room
Stressed = Desserts
Robert Bostick
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied back to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean,
I don't even know the guy.
Robert Bostick
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
Unknown
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
Unknown
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
Matt Ruby
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
P: "John."
N: "Your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
Unknown
I’m thinking of setting up a price comparison comparison website to compare price comparison websites.
Stephen Cookson
Word of mouth is how people used to find out about your business.
Now it's word of mouse.
Robert Bostick
51% Of people think stormy weather affects 'Cloud Computing.'
Source
I don't mean to sound judgmental
but judgmental should really have an e after the g.
Matt Rudy
Designing a presentation without an audience in mind is like writing a love letter and addressing it: To Whom It May Concern.
Ken Hamer
Sales is like sex. Nothing happens until someone gets excited.
Elizabeth Bachman
Our company had such a bad year, we made the Misfortune 500.
Unknown
Acronyms
BING = Bing Is Not Google
PBS. Primarily British Shows.
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends
Etc. End of Thinking Capacity.
M.A.I.D Mother Actually In Disguise
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
HumorPoint
I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
Unknown
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All serious and no laughter make Jack a dull presenter too.
Robert Bostick
In business meetings and emails today everyone assumes
B2B stands for Boring to Boring.
Jon Buchan
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think
was, "I should cut my bangs."
Bonnie McFarlane
High school reunions are tough. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you've only got six months to make something of yourself.
Unknown.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Unknown
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!”
and it yells “Down here! In the couch cushions!”
Unknown
My mind is always talking to me. I think it's lonely.
Robert Bostick
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
Shawn Alexander
The first sign of ethics is you get a feeling you shouldn’t be doing this. I get that feeling every time I’m about to clean the house.
Sally Baack
People are like teabags; you never know how strong they'll be until they're in hot water.
Rita Mae Brown
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
Robert Bostick
Policeman, Fireman, Weatherman, Mailman, Handyman, and the executive team of every company being called, MANagement.
Oh, so that's what they mean when they say it's a man's world.
Robert Bostick
If a thing is done well, no one will ask how long it took to do it,
but only, who did it.
John Taylor
The biggest marketing mistake in history was Campbell's Soups for One. They might as well have called it Cream of Loser Soup.
'Open can. Add tears.'
Traci Skene
When I die I want my last words to be,
"I left a million dollars under the..."
Unknown
Statistically, you are more likely to die on the way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to win the lottery itself.
One restaurant that doesn’t deliver, that should, is a food truck.
Just drive it to my house.
Demetri Martin
When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business.
Lenny Bruce
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
I would meditate more if calming my mind wasn't so stressful.
Robert Bostick
What’s the definition of minor surgery.
An operation performed on somebody else.
Unknown
Home is the place where no matter where you're sitting,
you're looking at something you should be doing.
Unknown
I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.
Unknown
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
Unknown
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner
My room was clean but then I had to decide what to wear.
Unknown
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I would like to.
Linda Evans
I believe that mental health is as important as physical health.
So whenever I see a jogger I yell at them,
“What are you running from, honey?”
Jenny Hamilton
The universe is not short on wake-up calls.
We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
Brené Brown
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.
Colin Jost
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.
James Thurber
"Now?!" - kids to most everything.
Unknown
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity is to not hear anything about other people's lives.
Robert Bostick
JEALOUSY
Robert Bostick
Settling Soulmates.
The person you were meant to settle for.
3D Rock
Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before.
Mae West
Bitcoin is QAnon for money
Matt Ruby
We’re all in this together - by ourselves.
Lily Tomlin
No one really listens to anyone else,
and if you try it for a while you’ll see why.
Mignon McLaughlin
Seven days without humor makes one weak.
Unknown
Astronaut Neil Armstrong was asked if he was nervous before he went to the moon. He said, “Of course, who wouldn’t be? There I was sitting on top of 9,999 parts and bits – each of which had been made by the lowest bidder.”
Unknown
The "Earth" without "art" is just "Eh."
Unknown
LONLINESS
Robert Bostick
I don’t think it’s an accident Zoom contains the word Zoo.
Robert Bostick
Your ego is not your amigo.
B.J. Novak
Let go or be dragged.
Zen proverb
Success is all about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill
Oh no, I’m having a stroke...of Genius.
Mel Brooks
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
Unknown
From a chance meeting of a sperm and an egg, to the starting up of a heartbeat from nothing, and then in 9 months we come out smiling. And people think what is happening here on this planet is normal.
Robert Bostick
People are being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to create impressions that won't last on people we don't care about.
Tim Jackson
Statistics are numbers with the tears wiped away.
Paul Brodeur
HR: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Interviews”
HR: “And besides that?”
Me: “Follow up questions”
Unknown
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me. "Taking your job and asking better interview questions."
Adam Grant
On the flight out I saw the pilot biting his nails as he headed into the cockpit. I'd never seen that before. What am I suppose to think. Is he nervous about the plane? Should I be nervous? Am I going to die? Isn't there a law against nail biters becoming pilots?"
Robert Bostick
Life is really hard, but, to be fair to life,
death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.
Robert Bostick
Music Festivals: where people don't ask why you're carrying a stuffed dinosaur, they ask the dinosaur's name
or if they can dance with it.
Unknown
We can put a man on the moon but we can't*
*Make me a robot that can fold my laundry.
*Make a grass that grows two inches and stops.
*Understand what the conductors are saying over
the PA system on the Metro/Subway lines.
HumorPoint
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me. I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.
Norm Macdonald. R.I.P.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
Hobart Brown
Whatever you do always give 100 %.
Unless you are donating blood.
Unknown
The only thing that helps me feel better these days
is knowing how much worse things could be.
I call it positive negative thinking.
Robert Bostick
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than
“I quit halfway through a marathon”
Unknown
Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.
Jim Gaffigan
Food is my anxiety medication.
Robert Bostick
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying.” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive.
Unknown
Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?
Ans: U stop imagining…
Unknown
Funny Photos
Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.
The only question is how long the blip will be.
Wayne Ranne
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
Anger is always a bad strategy, and a deceptive one too. Deceptive because it feels so good.
Robert Bostick
Without creative people, this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Robert Bostick
Children are the angels of the human race...our better angels.
Robert Bostick
Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president. It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?
Robert Bostick
Women have always been an equal part of the past,
just not an equal part of history.
Gloria Steinham
To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?
Robert Bostick
A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed,
“You must have had a lot of husbands!”
Esther Dawson
“It’s the 21st century now.
So how come we don’t have flying cars?”
What do you think planes are?
Peter White
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Unknown
Why don't they call quicksand slowsand?
Unknown
A humorist is a fellow who realizes, first, that he is no better than anybody else, and, second, that nobody else is either. Homer McLin
Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.
Robert Bostick
I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.
Jennifer Wright
Dogs don’t think about many things.
That’s what distinguishes them from us.
Every day they wake up happy and think,
"Wow! Another fantastic day!”
Robert Bostick
Ever notice how everything COSMIC becomes COMIC if you don't see the S.
Unknown
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
I’ve noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
R.V. Lucas
We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence. Except when we're sad and depressed.
Robert Bostick
“It’s not the end of the world.” Yes, thank you for reminding me that there’s always one worse outcome than what is.
Unknown
Researchers analyzed Sigmund Freud and determined he was always afreud. Afreud of his father and mother.
Unknown
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing
Unknown
2 guys walked into a bar; the 3rd one ducked.
Unknown
Ninety-five percent of people who tell "Two Guys in a Bar" jokes are two guys in a bar.
Robert Bostick
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.
Don't come home without it either.
Robert Bostick
Fight as if you’re right, listen as if you’re wrong.
Karl Weick
Video calls are just modern seances.
"Someone wants to join us",
"Elizabeth, are you there?", "I can't hear you", "can you hear us?"
Unknown
It isn't news anymore. It's hour-by-hour warnings.
Paul Harvey
"I wish they would just call the news,
'What's wrong.'
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
Demitri Martin
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
Franklin P. Adams
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return them anyway.
Susie Thompson
I meditate just so I can have the ego stroke I get from thinking, "I just meditated."
Matt Ruby
The longest song in the world is the Happy Birthday song to a toddler who is ready to help blow out some candles.
Unknown
Before television dreams were our entertainment.
Sally Baack
Creativity is intelligence having fun.
Albert Einstein
My primary stress reduction activity is eating impulsively.
Robert Bostick
Life is brutiful.
Glennon Doyle
Someone doing CrossFit could do it for 30 minutes,
then tell you about it forever.
Unknown
I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband and that made me feel a little better.
Amy Foster
It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.
Robert Bostick
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Unknown
When you're an easily offended hammer, everything looks like an offensive nail.
Matt Ruby
The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
Brené Brown
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is
a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.
Mary Schmich
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
John Cunningham
Presentation
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Ray Floyd
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
Unknown
Corporate leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.
Robert Bostick
No one is ever going to come up to you and complain to you that your talk was too short.
David Nihill
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Anonymous
Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.
Robert Bostick
Have you ever noticed the data
you get from your ego is one-sided?
Robert Bostick
Anti-science people like to use feel facts.
Feel facts aren’t technically facts...they just feel true.
Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’
Kate McKinnon
We’re here for a good time not a long time.
That’s where humor comes in.
Robert Bostick
Be grateful for what you’re not going through.
Sam Harris
Funny Photos
Unknown
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
Unknown
Laughter is your best medicine.
International Pharmaceutical Association
“We interrupt our regular program to bring you this special bulletin:
It’s a nice day outside.”
Charles Schulz
I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.
Unknown
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
Unknown
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Emo Phillips
Let's face it.
If there was ever a time we needed humor
it's now.
Robert Bostick
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
Bob Hope
I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.
Laura Marie
When you miss the target, never in history has it been the target’s fault.
Unknown
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.
Robert Morley
There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.
H.L. Mencken
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Joe Lewis
Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in the gentle cycle?
Jerry Seinfeld
Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...
"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.
Seth Meyers
Want to tell a joke?
The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.
But where would you find one?
Here.
Web MD Something that makes a mild cold into a deadly disease within 24 hours.
Unknown
A Fivepack of One-Liner Question Jokes
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?"
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your dog back, your wife back, your house back and you sober up.
Poster on Neighborhood Tree
LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
Unknown
We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.
Unknown
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin."
“What happened?”
“Well, after the first two I felt better”
Gene Perrett
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move.
Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
What I marvel about the incognito feature on Google is that its only purpose is nefarious.
Robert Bostick
The two most powerful phrases in the English language are, “Good News,” and “You’re Right.” The reason is simple: It's good news topped by even better news.
Robert Bostick
Now is the most difficult time to invest.
Unknown
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David Sedaris
Wisdom has two parts. Having a lot to say, and not saying it.
Unknown
The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy. Maskulinity.
Robert Bostick
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
Marlo Thomas
Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant.
Danny Bravman
BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company.
Elden Carnahan
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Unknown
Our miraculous bodies are self-regulating, self-
healing, and for some of us, self-replicating.
Robert Bostick
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs
I meet outside of grocery stores.
Unknown
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who use coasters, and those who don’t.
Jura Koncius
Going to Victoria’s Secret has never made me feel pretty.
What makes me feel pretty is googling plastic surgery disasters.
Taylor Tomlinson
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three
times a day in order to survive...It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Unknown
If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.
Michael S. Taylor
Spring is nature's way of saying let's party.
Robbin Williams
Eating is like being an artist.
When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.
Beth Sterling
People always think you load their dishwasher wrong.
Matt Ruby
My six-year-old just called ranch dressing “salad frosting” and now
I’ll never call it anything else.
James Breakwell
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Unknown
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
Alexandre Dumas
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Unknown
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks, you can just say I’m outstanding.
Unknown
The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously and have someone find out.
Oscar Wilde
The only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you’re in the bathroom.
Unknown
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues
but the parent of all others.
Cicero
When I met Hank, he was dying of lung cancer. He brought up that fact exactly one time, to tell me that it was out of his control. In his own words: “What am I going to do, start getting pissed off now? Every other time I’ve gotten pissed off it hasn’t helped me a damn bit.” Then he launched into one of his stories of another time he was pissed off when he thought he was going to die in a malfunctioning plane. He put the anger away and landed. “Life is like that,” he told me. “No matter how pissed off you are, you still have to land the plane, and being pissed off isn’t going to help you one bit. You’ve got to make the best of it.
Nobody gets the life we planned, we get what God plans
and we spend the rest of our lives trying not to hold it against him.
A well-lived life has more to do with perspective than anything else. As long as you can laugh, there is hope."
The less people know, the more they yell.
Seth Godin
I live inside a miraculous human body that also acts as a trash compactor.
Robert Bostick
It’s not hard to meet expenses...they’re everywhere.
Unknown
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
Margo Kaufman
If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead, look at any office at quitting time.
Robert Townsend
What is the root word of the word funny?
Robert Bostick
You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Steven Wright
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
Warren Bennis
The average person thinks he isn't.
Larry Lorenzoni
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Kurt Vonnegut
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
“Okie Dokie."
"You’re darn tootin.”
Robert Bostick
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
Unknown
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Unknown
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny'
Isaac Asimov
I love watching squirrels... they always look like they're up to something.
Robert Bostick
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
I intend to live forever...So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
Guillaume Apollinaire
Start by starting.
Meryl Streep
Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.
Zen proverb
Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
Gordon MacKenzie
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.
Veronica Sawyer
We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
Charles Bukowski
Your ego is not your amigo.
B.J. Novak
We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.
General Douglas MacArthur
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.
Mel Brooks
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.
Robert Bostick
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Unknown
Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt. He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!” responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”
True Story
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Muhammad Ali
Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
Unknown
Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change.
Arthur Burt
Biology Walks. Souls Talk. Death Stalks.
Robert Bostick
My elderly dad is just beginning to use technology. His first email was all in the subject line.
David Nihill
Regardless of the changes in technology, the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.
Steve Burnett
The shortest distance between two people is laughter.
Victor Borge
If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.
Sarah Jones
Argument is the worst sort of conversation.
Jonathan Swift
The most important thing to know in life is how to be friendly.
Drake Prata Baack Age 8
Everyone uses Virtual Reality. They're called dreams.
Robert Bostick
There are more stars in our Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.
Carl Sagan
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
I still believe that love is all you need. I don’t know a better message than that.
Paul McCartney
A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.
Anne Lamott
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.
John Thomas
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
John Kinnear
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Joseph Cossman
Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job. Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys we could have done without, but overall, you've brought one joyous miracle after another.
Robert Bostick
Sign On A Plumber’s Truck 'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
Unknown
My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”
I said, “That would be great son.”
“Or a Dinosaur.”
Michael Jr.
Funny Tweets About The Lies Kids Tell
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Give a kid a hammer and he'll treat everything as a nail.
Unknown
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee.
Jim Gaffigan
The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.
Anonymous
The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.
It stands for Get Out Leave Family.
Jerry Seinfeld
Office:
A business place where you can relax from your strenuous home life.
Evan Esar
My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years where people look at it and think “Just tear it down and start all over again."
Bill Burr
Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby. My hobby is make-believe.
Skye Prata Baack Age 7
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too.
Gerald Barzan
60 years later a woman was still affected by her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"
Unknown
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
Unknown
I'm so compulsive about losing weight, I weigh myself after I cough.
Elayne Boosler
Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.
Unknown
This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day. I watch it every day.
Robert Bostick
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Unknown
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:
Pull the door that says push.
Unknown
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.
Onion Newspaper Headline
I saw a sign on a lawn that said, “Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”
Then I saw an old man’s face in the window, and his face also said that.
Jackie Pirico
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Oscar Wilde
Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
Unknown
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten percent?
Lara Bliss
Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp the frustration of someone else's feelings.
Robert Bostick
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out what kind of advice he wants, and give it to him.
Josh Billing
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin
I miss my old car. We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on, and then I would just call its bluff.
Amy Bugg
The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived." It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.
Robert Quick Bostick
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Evan Kessler
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong
The President says since he's been in office he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs. My brother-in-law has 4 of them.
Bill Dyment
In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.
Bill Mayer
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
If the stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks not selling advice.
Norman Augustine
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Alfred Newman
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The other day a woman asked me to tell her what Mansplaining was and I was like, “Nice try...I have no idea.”
Demetri Martin
Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...
what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is
smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals
...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...
Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.