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Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
The Perfect Quote
Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
The Perfect Quote
The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."
Robert Bostick
Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history. The only question is how long the blip will be.
Wayne Ranney
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs do
but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.
Colin Jost
Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.
Jim Gaffigan
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean, I don't even know the guy.
Robert Bostick
With the coronavirus,
"Stay in your Lane"
has been updated to
"stay in your pajamas."
Robert Bostick
It isn't news anymore. It's hour by hour warnings.
Paul Harvey
"I wish they would just call the news,
'What's wrong.'
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
Demitri Martin
I don’t think it’s an accident Zoom contains the word Zoo.
Robert Bostick
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return
them anyway.
Susie Thompson
Before television dreams were our entertainment.
Sally Baack
The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.
Matt Ruby
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon, and getting there.
Robert Bostick
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was, "I should cut my bangs."
Bonnie McFarlane
I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband left her and that made me feel a little better.
Amy Foster
When I get depressed I talk to food.
Tina Fey
It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.
Robert Bostick
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Unknown
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?
Al Boliska
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
John Cunningham
Presentation
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Ray Floyd
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
Unknown
Corporate leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.
Robert Bostick
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
Hobart Brown
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
Robert Bostick
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Anonymous
Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.
Robert Bostick
Anti-science people like to use feel facts.
Feel facts aren’t technically facts...they just feel true.
Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’
Kate McKinnon
Funny Photos
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
Unknown
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
Matt Ruby
Laughter is your best medicine.
International Pharmaceutical Association
I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.
Unknown
I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
Unknown
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
P:"John."
N: "What’s your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
Unknown
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
Unknown
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Emo Phillips
Life usually requires that we pay for our mistakes. What you are going through now is that payment.
Gordon Livingston
Let's face it.
If there was ever a time we needed humor
it's now.
Robert Bostick
LONLINESS
Robert Bostick
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
Bob Hope
Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.
Robert Morley
There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.
H.L. Mencken
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Joe Lewis
Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in the gentle cycle?
Jerry Seinfeld
JEALOUSY
Robert Bostick
Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...
"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.
Seth Meyers
Want to tell a joke?
The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.
But where would you find one?
Here.
Web MD Something that makes a mild cold into a deadly disease within 24 hours.
Unknown
A Sixpack of One-Liner Question Jokes
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?"
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing?
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your dog back, your wife back, your house back and you sober up.
Poster on Neighborhood Tree
LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
Unknown
We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.
Unknown
When we say Glass Ceiling, we mean Men.
Women
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin."
“What happened?”
“Well, after the first two I felt better”
Gene Perrett
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters
Listen = Silent
Elvis = Lives
Debit card = Bad credit
Dormitory = Dirty room
Stressed = Desserts
Dog = God
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move.
Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
Robert Bostick
The two most powerful phrases in the English language are, “Good News,” and “You’re Right.” The reason is simple: It's good news topped by even better news.
Robert Bostick
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
Without creative people this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Robert Bostick
5 Reasons to Use Humor in a Job Interview
Andrew Tarvin
Now is the most difficult time to invest.
Unknown
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it. Don't come home without it either.
Robert Bostick
Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president.
It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?
Robert Bostick
Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.
Robert Bostick
Be grateful for what you’re not going through.
Sam Harris
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity is to not hear anything about other people's lives.
Robert Bostick
We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence.
Robert Bostick
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David Sedaris
Wisdom has two parts. Having a lot to say, and not saying it.
Unknown
The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy. Maskulinity.
Robert Bostick
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
Marlo Thomas
Create Your Own Quote to Graphic Here
Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant.
Danny Bravman
BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company.
Elden Carnahan
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Unknown
Our miraculous bodies are self-regulating, self-
healing, and for some of us, self-replicating.
Robert Bostick
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs
I meet outside of grocery stores.
Unknown
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who use coasters, and those who don’t.
Jura Koncius
Spring is nature's way of saying let's party.
Robbin Williams
Eating is like being an artist.
When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.
Beth Sterling
People always think you load their dishwasher wrong.
Matt Ruby
We can put a man on the moon but we can't remove ourself from a group text.
Robert Bostick
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
Alexandre Dumas
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks, you can just say I’m outstanding.
Unknown
The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously and have someone find out.
Oscar Wilde
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues
but the parent of all others.
Cicero
Nobody gets the life we planned, we get what God plans
and we spend the rest of our lives trying not to hold it against him.
The less people know, the more they yell.
Seth Godin
I live inside a miraculous human body that also acts as a trash compactor.
Robert Bostick
We have a rule in our office: The first one to arrive in the morning makes the coffee. Everyone after that complains about it.
Gene Perret
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
Margo Kaufman
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50.
Matt Silverman
If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead, look at any office at quitting time.
Robert Townsend
What is the root word of the word funny?
Robert Bostick
You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Steven Wright
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
Warren Bennis
The average person thinks he isn't.
Larry Lorenzoni
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Kurt Vonnegut
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
“Okie Dokie."
"You’re darn tootin.”
Robert Bostick
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Grant McKay
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
Unknown
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Unknown
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny'
Isaac Asimov
I love watching squirrels... they always look like they're up to something.
Robert Bostick
Each day I have one simple goal: steer clear of the bad neighborhoods of my mind.
Robert Bostick
Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
Guillaume Apollinaire
Start by starting.
Meryl Streep
Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.
Zen proverb
Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
Gordon MacKenzie
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.
Veronica Sawyer
Life is really hard, but to be fair to life, death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.
Robert Bostick
We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
Charles Bukowski
Your ego is not your amigo.
B.J. Novak
We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.
General Douglas MacArthur
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.
Mel Brooks
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.
Robert Bostick
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Unknown
Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt. He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!” responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”
True Story
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Muhammad Ali
Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
Unknown
Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change.
Arthur Burt
My elderly dad is just beginning to use technology. His first email was all in the subject line.
David Nihill
Perhaps of all the communication strategies that leaders utilize,
the use of humor is most promising, but least understood.
C. B. Crawford
Regardless of the changes in technology, the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.
Steve Burnett
The shortest distance between two people is laughter.
Victor Borge
If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.
Sarah Jones
Argument is the worst sort of conversation.
Jonathan Swift
The most important thing to know in life is how to be friendly.
Drake Prata Baack Age 8
Everyone uses Virtual Reality. They're called dreams.
Robert Bostick
There are more stars in our Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.
Carl Sagan
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
I still believe that love is all you need. I don’t know a better message than that.
Paul McCartney
A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.
Anne Lamott
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.
John Thomas
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
John Kinnear
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Joseph Cossman
Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job. Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys we could have done without, but overall, you've brought one joyous miracle after another.
Robert Bostick
Sign On A Plumber’s Truck 'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
Unknown
My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”
I said, “That would be great son.”
“Or a Dinosaur.”
Michael Jr.
Funny Lies We Tell Our Kids Confessed on Twitter
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Give a kid a hammer and he'll treat everything as a nail.
Unknown
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee.
Jim Gaffigan
The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.
Anonymous
The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.
It stands for Get Out Leave Family.
Jerry Seinfeld
Office:
A business place where you can relax from your strenuous home life.
Evan Esar
My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years where people look at it and think “Just tear it down and start all over again."
Bill Burr
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner
To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?
Robert Bostick
Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby. My hobby is make believe.
Skye Prata Baack Age 7
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too.
Gerald Barzan
60 years later a woman was still affected by her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"
Unknown
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
Unknown
I'm so compulsive about losing weight, I weigh myself after I cough.
Elayne Boosler
Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.
Unknown
This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day. I watch it every day.
Robert Bostick
“It’s the 21st century now.
So how come we don’t have flying cars?”
What do you think planes are?
Peter White
Airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash.
Anonymous
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Unknown
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:
Pull the door that says push.
Unknown
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.
Onion Newspaper Headline
I saw a sign on a lawn that said, “Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”
Then I saw an old man’s face in the window, and his face also said that.
Jackie Pirico
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Oscar Wilde
Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
Unknown
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten percent?
Lara Bliss
Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp the frustration of someone else's feelings.
Robert Bostick
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out what kind of advice he wants, and give it to him.
Josh Billing
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin
I miss my old car. We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on, and then I would just call its bluff.
Amy Bugg
The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived." It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.
Robert Quick Bostick
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Evan Kessler
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong
The President says since he's been in office he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs. My brother-in-law has 4 of them.
Bill Dyment
In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.
Bill Mayer
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
If the stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks not selling advice.
Norman Augustine
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Alfred Newman
When I was young I used to think wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right.
Gahan Wilson
I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded. Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and one day you went in for your shift and they said, “Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”
Matt Wright
They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
Unknown
Just Do It is a good slogan for Nike but
a bad slogan for a suicide relief centre.
Jeff Keenan
People always tell me, “Everything happens for a reason.” But they can never name the reason, so basically they’re just telling me,
“Everything happens.”
D.J. Demers
Murphys Love Laws
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
All the good ones are taken. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Nothing improves with age.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The other day a woman asked me to tell her what Mansplaining was and I was like, “Nice try...I have no idea.”
Demetri Martin
Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...
what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is
smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals
...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...
Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.
Robert Bostick
When you go to a conference and you see a male speaker who invented something big they get your attention.
When you go to a conference and see a female speaker who created another human from nothing, ehh.
Robert Bostick
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me.
Cliff Prang
Life is a picture. But you live in a pixel.
Tim Urban
Advertising promotes an idealized life
because reality doesn't sell.
Robert Bostick
English is a funny language.
A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
Jack Herbert
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
George Will
It’s good to have a plan: it’s better to have a plan b.
Mike Muzio
Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.
Andrew Sobel
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Mark Twain
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and assign them tasks, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but of seeing with new eyes.
Marcel Proust
I am always doing things I can’t do, that’s how I get to do them.
Pablo Picasso
Underneath the hood of the car that is America, there are always a couple racist and sexist pistons pumping away. Yes the car is moving but its defective pistons always make the engine very troublesome.
Robert Bostick
White privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means
the color of your skin isn’t one of the things that makes it harder.
Unknown
Quoted from "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible— even if you're choking on it—until you let the sun in. Then you see it's everywhere. As long as we keep shining that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands. But we have to stay vigilant because it's always still in the air."
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
No white person wants to change places with a black person.
They don’t even want to exchange places with me, and I’m rich.
Chris Rock
Quoted from "Jon Stewart Is Back to Weigh In" New York Times
The response to police misconduct is that they’re just bad apples as if we have to tolerate a few in every basket. Really? Is anyone ready to tolerate a few bad apple pilots?
Robert Bostick
Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: To tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.
Bobby Kennedy
We live together as rational human beings or die together as fools.
Martin Luther King
I often tell young people that if you see something you think
is wrong and it bothers you, then with steady, loving confrontation,
you can get others to see the wrong in whatever it is that you see.
Lynda Lowrey, Civil Rights Activist
There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love if you knew their story.
Unknown
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
Unknown
The fact that everyone dies kills me.
Robert Bostick
The secret to a happy life is to run out of cash and air at the same time.
Bobby Layne
Did anyone dig for China when they were kids? Our parents said if you dig all the way through the earth you’d come out in China. We had one kid on our block who dug down about ten feet digging for China and I use to sneak in and throw egg rolls in the hole. He thought he was getting close. “Only a few more feet Dad. I’m hitting something down here.”
Gary Shandling
Not only is your heart hopefully full of love, but it also pumps about 8,000 quarts of blood a day through its chambers. That works out to 332 quarts per hour or nearly 6 quarts per minute. It takes about one minute for all the blood in our body to make the round trip back to our heart. That's a lot of pumping going on and we're not aware of any of it. But wait, there's more. Our heart beats about 100,000 times in one day and about 35 million times in a year. During an average lifetime, the human heart will beat more than 2.5 billion times. Now are you impressed with what you are?
Robert Bostick
See How the Heart Works in 3D
Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos - the trees, the clouds, everything.
Thich Nhat Hanh
A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions. A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots, a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.
Michael Crichton
As a newspaper editor in the digital age, I always see if I can make a headline funny. The funnier the headline the more they click on it.
Unknown
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Eleanor Roosevelt