Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
The Perfect Quote
Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
The Perfect Quote
The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."
Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history. The only question is how long the blip will be.
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs do
but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.
Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean, I don't even know the guy.
With the coronavirus,
"Stay in your Lane"
has been updated to
"stay in your pajamas."
It isn't news anymore. It's hour by hour warnings.
"I wish they would just call the news,
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
I don’t think it’s an accident Zoom contains the word Zoo.
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return
Before television dreams were our entertainment.
The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon, and getting there.
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was, "I should cut my bangs."
I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband left her and that made me feel a little better.
When I get depressed I talk to food.
It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
Corporate leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.
Anti-science people like to use feel facts.
Feel facts aren’t technically facts...they just feel true.
Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
Laughter is your best medicine.
International Pharmaceutical Association
I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.
I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
N: "What’s your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Life usually requires that we pay for our mistakes. What you are going through now is that payment.
Let's face it.
If there was ever a time we needed humor
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.
There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in the gentle cycle?
Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...
"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.
Want to tell a joke?
The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.
But where would you find one?
Web MD Something that makes a mild cold into a deadly disease within 24 hours.
A Sixpack of One-Liner Question Jokes
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?"
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing?
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your dog back, your wife back, your house back and you sober up.
Poster on Neighborhood Tree
LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.
When we say Glass Ceiling, we mean Men.
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin."
“Well, after the first two I felt better”
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters
Listen = Silent
Elvis = Lives
Debit card = Bad credit
Dormitory = Dirty room
Stressed = Desserts
Dog = God
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move.
Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
The two most powerful phrases in the English language are, “Good News,” and “You’re Right.” The reason is simple: It's good news topped by even better news.
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
Without creative people this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Now is the most difficult time to invest.
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it. Don't come home without it either.
Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president.
It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?
Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.
Be grateful for what you’re not going through.
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity is to not hear anything about other people's lives.
We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence.
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
Wisdom has two parts. Having a lot to say, and not saying it.
The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy. Maskulinity.
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
Create Your Own Quote to Graphic Here
Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant.
BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Our miraculous bodies are self-regulating, self-
healing, and for some of us, self-replicating.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs
I meet outside of grocery stores.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who use coasters, and those who don’t.
Spring is nature's way of saying let's party.
Eating is like being an artist.
When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.
People always think you load their dishwasher wrong.
We can put a man on the moon but we can't remove ourself from a group text.
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks, you can just say I’m outstanding.
The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously and have someone find out.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues
but the parent of all others.
Nobody gets the life we planned, we get what God plans
and we spend the rest of our lives trying not to hold it against him.
The less people know, the more they yell.
I live inside a miraculous human body that also acts as a trash compactor.
We have a rule in our office: The first one to arrive in the morning makes the coffee. Everyone after that complains about it.
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50.
If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead, look at any office at quitting time.
What is the root word of the word funny?
You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
The average person thinks he isn't.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
"You’re darn tootin.”
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny'
I love watching squirrels... they always look like they're up to something.
Each day I have one simple goal: steer clear of the bad neighborhoods of my mind.
Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
Start by starting.
Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.
Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.
Life is really hard, but to be fair to life, death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.
We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
Your ego is not your amigo.
We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.
General Douglas MacArthur
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt. He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!” responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change.
My elderly dad is just beginning to use technology. His first email was all in the subject line.
Perhaps of all the communication strategies that leaders utilize,
the use of humor is most promising, but least understood.
C. B. Crawford
Regardless of the changes in technology, the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.
The shortest distance between two people is laughter.
If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.
Argument is the worst sort of conversation.
The most important thing to know in life is how to be friendly.
Drake Prata Baack Age 8
Everyone uses Virtual Reality. They're called dreams.
There are more stars in our Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
I still believe that love is all you need. I don’t know a better message than that.
A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job. Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys we could have done without, but overall, you've brought one joyous miracle after another.
Sign On A Plumber’s Truck 'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”
I said, “That would be great son.”
“Or a Dinosaur.”
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Give a kid a hammer and he'll treat everything as a nail.
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee.
The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.
The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.
It stands for Get Out Leave Family.
A business place where you can relax from your strenuous home life.
My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years where people look at it and think “Just tear it down and start all over again."
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?
Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby. My hobby is make believe.
Skye Prata Baack Age 7
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too.
60 years later a woman was still affected by her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
I'm so compulsive about losing weight, I weigh myself after I cough.
Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.
This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day. I watch it every day.
“It’s the 21st century now.
So how come we don’t have flying cars?”
What do you think planes are?
Airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:
Pull the door that says push.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.
Onion Newspaper Headline
I saw a sign on a lawn that said, “Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”
Then I saw an old man’s face in the window, and his face also said that.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten percent?
Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp the frustration of someone else's feelings.
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out what kind of advice he wants, and give it to him.
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
I miss my old car. We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on, and then I would just call its bluff.
The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived." It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.
Robert Quick Bostick
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
The President says since he's been in office he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs. My brother-in-law has 4 of them.
In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
If the stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks not selling advice.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
When I was young I used to think wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right.
I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded. Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and one day you went in for your shift and they said, “Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”
They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
Just Do It is a good slogan for Nike but
a bad slogan for a suicide relief centre.
People always tell me, “Everything happens for a reason.” But they can never name the reason, so basically they’re just telling me,
Murphys Love Laws
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
All the good ones are taken. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Nothing improves with age.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
The other day a woman asked me to tell her what Mansplaining was and I was like, “Nice try...I have no idea.”
Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...
what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is
smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals
...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...
Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.
When you go to a conference and you see a male speaker who invented something big they get your attention.
When you go to a conference and see a female speaker who created another human from nothing, ehh.
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me.
Life is a picture. But you live in a pixel.
Advertising promotes an idealized life
because reality doesn't sell.
English is a funny language.
A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
It’s good to have a plan: it’s better to have a plan b.
Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and assign them tasks, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but of seeing with new eyes.
I am always doing things I can’t do, that’s how I get to do them.
Underneath the hood of the car that is America, there are always a couple racist and sexist pistons pumping away. Yes the car is moving but its defective pistons always make the engine very troublesome.
White privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means
the color of your skin isn’t one of the things that makes it harder.
"Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible— even if you're choking on it—until you let the sun in. Then you see it's everywhere. As long as we keep shining that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands. But we have to stay vigilant because it's always still in the air."
No white person wants to change places with a black person.
They don’t even want to exchange places with me, and I’m rich.
The response to police misconduct is that they’re just bad apples as if we have to tolerate a few in every basket. Really? Is anyone ready to tolerate a few bad apple pilots?
Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: To tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.
We live together as rational human beings or die together as fools.
Martin Luther King
I often tell young people that if you see something you think
is wrong and it bothers you, then with steady, loving confrontation,
you can get others to see the wrong in whatever it is that you see.
There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love if you knew their story.
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
The fact that everyone dies kills me.
The secret to a happy life is to run out of cash and air at the same time.
Did anyone dig for China when they were kids? Our parents said if you dig all the way through the earth you’d come out in China. We had one kid on our block who dug down about ten feet digging for China and I use to sneak in and throw egg rolls in the hole. He thought he was getting close. “Only a few more feet Dad. I’m hitting something down here.”
Not only is your heart hopefully full of love, but it also pumps about 8,000 quarts of blood a day through its chambers. That works out to 332 quarts per hour or nearly 6 quarts per minute. It takes about one minute for all the blood in our body to make the round trip back to our heart. That's a lot of pumping going on and we're not aware of any of it. But wait, there's more. Our heart beats about 100,000 times in one day and about 35 million times in a year. During an average lifetime, the human heart will beat more than 2.5 billion times. Now are you impressed with what you are?
Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos - the trees, the clouds, everything.
Thich Nhat Hanh
A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions. A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots, a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.
As a newspaper editor in the digital age, I always see if I can make a headline funny. The funnier the headline the more they click on it.
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Eleanor Roosevelt