Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
to Spark Your Presentation

The Perfect Quote

Smart Openers, Closers, and One-Liners
to Spark Your Presentation

The Perfect Quote

The Power of Wit & Wisdom

You only have to demonstrate intelligent wit one time for people to never forget that you possess it.

Robert Bostick

Next to be being witty myself, the next best thing is to quote another's wit. 

Christian N. Bovey

I quote others only to better express myself.

Michel De Montaigne

To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach him to be funny; you give him great lines.

Robert Bostick

The right words in the right order to the right people can get you anywhere in life.
Unknown

A well-delivered one-liner is a sign of wit.  The definition of wit is 'a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor.'  Wit implies mental sharpness, inventiveness, and keen intelligence.
Merriam-Webster

People often will remember a funny quote longer than other parts of your presentation,” Cherie Kerr says. “I remember listening once to a long speech, little of which I recall today, except the speaker saying at the end, ‘And, to quote Lily Tomlin, remember that we’re all in this together - by ourselves.’ It was funny, but it also drove home the point she was trying to make.”

Dave Zelinski

********************************************
 

Your Pitch-Perfect Levity Treasure Trove

You can easily turn any quote you love into a

graphic image by clicking on the image below.

no-one-is-ever-going-to-come-up-to-you-and-complain-to-you.jpg
clipart510260.png

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?

Al Boliska

When somebody asks you, how's business, you say, and say it with enthusiasm, 'UNBELIEVABLE!' cause that'll cover it either way.

Tom Hopkins

The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."

Robert Bostick

1998

1. Don't get into stranger's cars.

2. Don't meet people from the internet.

2021

Literally, summon people from the internet to get into their car.

Graphic Here

1st World War

2nd World War

3rd World War~ming

Robert Bostick

 The correct reply to 90% of social media posts:

"You should meditate and go for a walk."

Matt Ruby

How would I describe entrepreneurship? It’s a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired.

Robert Strauss

The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon,

and getting there.

Robert Bostick

Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50. 

Matt Silverman

The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.

Matt Ruby

Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest.

The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts,

“Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.”

The managers, “Shut up!  We’re making progress."

Stephen Covey

My #1 job every day is to steer clear of the bad neighborhoods of

my mind. When I stumble into one I get roughed up real bad. 

Robert Bostick

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my

14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.

Unknown

I never thought I'd be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right. 

Unknown

When we say "Glass Ceiling," we mean Men.

Women

Women are moving into Management everywhere today.

What do we call an executive team consisting of all women?

Womanagement.

Robert Bostick

If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!

Grant McKay

We don't have business hours. Only hours. 

Ben Edson

You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.

John C. Maxwell

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

Lily Tomlin

Always seek the approval of others. It fills the emptiness inside you.

It also makes the emptiness larger so that it can hold

more approval. 

Unknown

It is a good thing that life is not as serious

as it seems to a waiter.

Don Herold

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't 

remove ourself from a group text.

Robert Bostick

I'm starting to treat every phone call like I'm on a podcast.

Just two people talking with no one else listening.

Robert Bostick

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Kin Hubbard

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”

Demetri Martin

Word of The Day:

Defenestration (n) 

The action of throwing someone out of a window.

Webster's Dictionary

Grammar Lesson:

Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters:

How = Who

Listen = Silent

Elvis = Lives

Debit card = Bad credit

Dormitory = Dirty room

Stressed = Desserts

Robert Bostick

 

I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied back to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean,

I don't even know the guy.

Robert Bostick

 

 

When someone rings the doorbell,

why do dogs always assume it's for them?

Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.

Unknown

 

If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.

Matt Ruby

Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"

P: "John."

N: "Your Birthdate?"

P: "February 23, 1970"

N: Are you Married?"

P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."

Unknown

I’m thinking of setting up a price comparison comparison website to compare price comparison websites.

Stephen Cookson

Word of mouth is how people used to find out about your business.

Now it's word of mouse.

Robert Bostick

51% Of people think stormy weather affects 'Cloud Computing.'

Source

I don't mean to sound judgmental

but judgmental should really have an e after the g.

Matt Rudy

Designing a presentation without an audience in mind is like writing a love letter and addressing it: To Whom It May Concern.

Ken Hamer

Sales is like sex. Nothing happens until someone gets excited.

Elizabeth Bachman  

 

Our company had such a bad year, we made the Misfortune 500.

Unknown

Acronyms

BING = Bing Is Not Google

PBS. Primarily British Shows.

   H.O.P.E.  Hold On, Pain Ends

Etc.  End of Thinking Capacity.

M.A.I.D  Mother Actually In Disguise

C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping

HumorPoint

I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.

Unknown

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

All serious and no laughter make Jack a dull presenter too.

Robert Bostick

In business meetings and emails today everyone assumes

B2B stands for Boring to Boring.

Jon Buchan

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think

was, "I should cut my bangs."

Bonnie McFarlane

High school reunions are tough. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you've only got six months to make something of yourself.

Unknown. 

Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

Unknown

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!”

and it yells “Down here! In the couch cushions!”

Unknown

 

My mind is always talking to me. I think it's lonely.

Robert Bostick

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.

Shawn Alexander

The first sign of ethics is you get a feeling you shouldn’t be doing this. I get that feeling every time I’m about to clean the house.

Sally Baack

People are like teabags; you never know how strong they'll be until they're in hot water.

Rita Mae Brown

You need your body to function well to be productive at work.

Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.

Robots don't need any of that.

Hence their appeal.

Robert Bostick

Policeman, Fireman, Weatherman, Mailman, Handyman, and the executive team of every company being called, MANagement.

Oh, so that's what they mean when they say it's a man's world. 

Robert Bostick

If a thing is done well, no one will ask how long it took to do it,

but only, who did it.

John Taylor

The biggest marketing mistake in history was Campbell's Soups for One. They might as well have called it Cream of Loser Soup.

'Open can. Add tears.'

Traci Skene

When I die I want my last words to be,

"I left a million dollars under the..."

Unknown

Statistically, you are more likely to die on the way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to win the lottery itself.

Source
 

One restaurant that doesn’t deliver, that should, is a food truck.

Just drive it to my house.

Demetri Martin   

When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business.

Lenny Bruce

I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

I would meditate more if calming my mind wasn't so stressful.

Robert Bostick

 

What’s the definition of minor surgery.

An operation performed on somebody else.

Unknown

Home is the place where no matter where you're sitting,

you're looking at something you should be doing.

Unknown

I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.

Unknown

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

Unknown

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Rita Rudner

My room was clean but then I had to decide what to wear.

Unknown

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I would like to. 

Linda Evans

I believe that mental health is as important as physical health.

So whenever I see a jogger I yell at them,

“What are you running from, honey?”

Jenny Hamilton

The universe is not short on wake-up calls.

We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.

Brené Brown

A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.

Colin Jost

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.

James Thurber

 

 

"Now?!" - kids to most everything.

Unknown

The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity is to not hear anything about other people's lives.  

Robert Bostick

 

JEALOUSY

Robert Bostick

Settling Soulmates.

The person you were meant to settle for.

3D Rock

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before.

Mae West

Bitcoin is QAnon for money

Matt Ruby

We’re all in this together - by ourselves.

Lily Tomlin

No one really listens to anyone else,

and if you try it for a while you’ll see why.

Mignon McLaughlin

Seven days without humor makes one weak.

Unknown

 

Astronaut Neil Armstrong was asked if he was nervous before he went to the moon. He said, “Of course, who wouldn’t be? There I was sitting on top of 9,999 parts and bits – each of which had been made by the lowest bidder.”

Unknown

The "Earth" without "art" is just "Eh."

Unknown

LONLINESS

Robert Bostick

I don’t think it’s an accident Zoom contains the word Zoo.

Robert Bostick

Your ego is not your amigo. 

B.J. Novak

Let go or be dragged.

Zen proverb

Success is all about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

Winston Churchill

Oh no, I’m having a stroke...of Genius.

Mel Brooks

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. 

Unknown

From a chance meeting of a sperm and an egg, to the starting up of a heartbeat from nothing, and then in 9 months we come out smiling.  And people think what is happening here on this planet  is normal.

Robert Bostick

People are being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to create impressions that won't last on people we don't care about. 
Tim Jackson

Statistics are numbers with the tears wiped away.

Paul Brodeur

HR: “What’s your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Interviews”

HR: “And besides that?”

Me: “Follow up questions”​

Unknown

Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Me. "Taking your job and asking better interview questions."

Adam Grant

 

On the flight out I saw the pilot biting his nails as he headed into the cockpit.  I'd never seen that before. What am I suppose to think. Is he nervous about the plane? Should I be nervous?  Am I going to die? Isn't there a law against nail biters becoming pilots?" 

Robert Bostick

Life is really hard, but, to be fair to life,

death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.

Robert Bostick

​​

Music Festivals: where people don't ask why you're carrying a stuffed dinosaur, they ask the dinosaur's name

or if they can dance with it.

Unknown 

We can put a man on the moon but we can't*

*Make me a robot that can fold my laundry.

*Make a grass that grows two inches and stops.

*Understand what the conductors are saying over
the PA system on the Metro/Subway lines.
HumorPoint

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me. I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.

Norm Macdonald. R.I.P.

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.

Hobart Brown

Whatever you do always give 100 %.

Unless you are donating blood.

Unknown

The only thing that helps me feel better these days

is knowing how much worse things could be.

I call it positive negative thinking.

Robert Bostick

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than

“I quit halfway through a marathon”

Unknown

Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.

Jim Gaffigan

Food is my anxiety medication.

Robert Bostick

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying.” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive.

Unknown

Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?

Ans: U stop imagining…

Unknown

999.png

Funny Photos

2020-12-19_19-18-01.png

Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.

The only question is how long the blip will be.

Wayne Ranne

Life is simply what our feelings do to us.

Honore de Balzac

Anger is always a bad strategy, and a deceptive one too. Deceptive because it feels so good.

Robert Bostick  

Without creative people, this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.

Robert Bostick

Children are the angels of the human race...our better angels.

Robert Bostick

Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president. It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?

Robert Bostick

Women have always been an equal part of the past,

just not an equal part of history.

Gloria Steinham

To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?

Robert Bostick

A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed,

“You must have had a lot of husbands!”

Esther Dawson

“It’s the 21st century now.

So how come we don’t have flying cars?”

What do you think planes are?

Peter White

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Unknown

Why don't they call quicksand slowsand?

Unknown

A humorist is a fellow who realizes, first, that he is no better than anybody else, and, second, that nobody else is either. Homer McLin

Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.

Robert Bostick

I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.

Jennifer Wright

Dogs don’t think about many things.

That’s what distinguishes them from us.

Every day they wake up happy and think,

"Wow! Another fantastic day!”

Robert Bostick

 

         

Ever notice how everything COSMIC becomes COMIC if you don't see the S.

Unknown

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

I’ve noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

R.V. Lucas

We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence. Except when we're sad and depressed.

Robert Bostick

“It’s not the end of the world.” Yes, thank you for reminding me that there’s always one worse outcome than what is.

Unknown

Researchers analyzed Sigmund Freud and determined he was always afreud.  Afreud of his father and mother.

Unknown

Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing

Unknown

2 guys walked into a bar; the 3rd one ducked.

Unknown

Ninety-five percent of people who tell "Two Guys in a Bar" jokes are two guys in a bar. 
Robert Bostick

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Steven Wright

Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.

Don't come home without it either.

Robert Bostick

Fight as if you’re right, listen as if you’re wrong.

Karl Weick

Video calls are just modern seances.

"Someone wants to join us",

"Elizabeth, are you there?", "I can't hear you", "can you hear us?"

Unknown

It isn't news anymore. It's hour-by-hour warnings.

Paul Harvey

"I wish they would just call the news,

'What's wrong.'

"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."

Demitri Martin

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

Franklin P. Adams

I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return them anyway.
Susie Thompson

 I meditate just so I can have the ego stroke I get from thinking, "I just meditated."

Matt Ruby 

The longest song in the world is the Happy Birthday song to a toddler who is ready to help blow out some candles.

Unknown

 

Before television dreams were our entertainment.

Sally Baack

Creativity is intelligence having fun.

Albert Einstein

My primary stress reduction activity is eating impulsively.

Robert Bostick

Life is brutiful.

Glennon Doyle

Someone doing CrossFit could do it for 30 minutes,

then tell you about it forever.

    Unknown     

I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband and that made me feel a little better.

Amy Foster

It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.

Robert Bostick

 

 

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Unknown

When you're an easily offended hammer, everything looks like an offensive nail.

Matt Ruby

The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.

Brené Brown

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is

a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than

it’s worth.

Mary Schmich

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.

Demetri Martin

Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.

John Cunningham

Presentation

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Ray Floyd

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

   Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?

Unknown

Corporate leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.

Robert Bostick

No one is ever going to come up to you and complain to you that your talk was too short.

David Nihill

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.   

Anonymous

Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.

Robert Bostick

 

 

Have you ever noticed the data

you get from your ego is one-sided?​

Robert Bostick

Anti-science people like to use feel facts.

Feel facts aren’t technically facts...they just feel true.

Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’

Kate McKinnon

 We’re here for a good time not a long time.

That’s where humor comes in.

Robert Bostick

Be grateful for what you’re not going through.

Sam Harris

Funny Photos

dt190530.gif
2021-01-27_13-22-53.png

Unknown

When someone rings the doorbell,

why do dogs always assume it's for them?

Unknown

Laughter is your best medicine. 

International Pharmaceutical Association

“We interrupt our regular program to bring you this special bulletin:

It’s a nice day outside.”

Charles Schulz

I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.

Unknown

There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.

Unknown

I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.

Emo Phillips

Let's face it.

If there was ever a time we needed humor

it's now.

Robert Bostick

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

Bob Hope
 

I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.

Laura Marie

When you miss the target, never in history has it been the target’s fault.

Unknown

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.

Robert Morley

There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.

H.L. Mencken

 

 

Things do not change; we change.

Henry David Thoreau

092b74d6884f3e923c60110eca0aac18.jpg

I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.

Joe Lewis

Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in the gentle cycle?

Jerry Seinfeld

Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...

"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.

Seth Meyers

Want to tell a joke?

The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.

But where would you find one?

Here.

Web MD Something that makes a mild cold into a deadly disease within 24 hours. 

Unknown

 

A Fivepack of One-Liner Question Jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?"

What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.

I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Robin, get in the car.

What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your dog back, your wife back,  your house back and you sober up.

Poster on Neighborhood Tree 

LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.

Unknown

We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.

Unknown

“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself

by taking a thousand aspirin."

“What happened?”

“Well, after the first two I felt better”

Gene Perrett

 

 

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

 

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. 

Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.

Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

What I marvel about the incognito feature on Google is that its only purpose is nefarious.

Robert Bostick

The two most powerful phrases in the English language are, “Good News,” and “You’re Right.” The reason is simple: It's good news topped by even better news.

Robert Bostick

Now is the most difficult time to invest.

Unknown

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris

Wisdom has two parts. Having a lot to say, and not saying it.

Unknown

The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy. Maskulinity.

Robert Bostick

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
Marlo Thomas

9e453cbb96f4072cc6a842dd6b286ae4.jpg

Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant.

Danny Bravman

BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company.

Elden Carnahan

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Unknown

Our miraculous bodies are self-regulating, self-

healing, and for some of us, self-replicating.

Robert Bostick

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs

I meet outside of grocery stores.

Unknown

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who use coasters, and those who don’t.

Jura Koncius

 

Going to Victoria’s Secret has never made me feel pretty.

What makes me feel pretty is googling plastic surgery disasters.

Taylor Tomlinson

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three

times a day in order to survive...It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Unknown

If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.

Michael S. Taylor

Spring is nature's way of saying let's party. 

Robbin Williams

Eating is like being an artist.

When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.

Beth Sterling  

 

 

People always think you load their dishwasher wrong.

Matt Ruby  

My six-year-old just called ranch dressing “salad frosting” and now

I’ll never call it anything else.

James Breakwell      

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Unknown

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.

Alexandre Dumas

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Unknown

I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks, you can just say I’m outstanding.

Unknown

The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously and have someone find out.

Oscar Wilde

The only time the world beats a path to your door

is when you’re in the bathroom.

Unknown

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues

but the parent of all others.

Cicero

When I met Hank, he was dying of lung cancer. He brought up that fact exactly one time, to tell me that it was out of his control. In his own words: “What am I going to do, start getting pissed off now? Every other time I’ve gotten pissed off it hasn’t helped me a damn bit.” Then he launched into one of his stories of another time he was pissed off when he thought he was going to die in a malfunctioning plane. He put the anger away and landed. “Life is like that,” he told me. “No matter how pissed off you are, you still have to land the plane, and being pissed off isn’t going to help you one bit. You’ve got to make the best of it.

Aaron Nichols

Nobody gets the life we planned,  we get what God plans

and we spend the rest of our lives trying not to hold it against him.

Connie Schultz

A well-lived life has more to do with perspective than anything else. As long as you can laugh, there is hope."

Aaron Nichols

The less people know, the more they yell.

Seth Godin

I live inside a miraculous human body that also acts as a trash compactor.

Robert Bostick

It’s not hard to meet expenses...they’re everywhere.

Unknown

One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.

Margo Kaufman

If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead, look at any office at quitting time.

Robert Townsend

What is the root word of the word funny?

Robert Bostick

You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Steven Wright

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.

Warren Bennis

The average person thinks he isn't. 

Larry Lorenzoni

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.

Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Kurt Vonnegut

Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:

“Okie Dokie."

"You’re darn tootin.”

Robert Bostick

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Unknown

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Unknown

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny'
Isaac Asimov​

I love watching squirrels... they always look like they're up to something.

Robert Bostick

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

I intend to live forever...So far, so good.

Steven Wright
 

Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.

Guillaume Apollinaire

Start by starting.

Meryl Streep

Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.

Zen proverb

Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.

Gordon MacKenzie

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host. 

Veronica Sawyer

We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

Charles Bukowski 

Your ego is not your amigo. 

B.J. Novak

We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.

General Douglas MacArthur

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Franklin P. Jones

Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.

Mel Brooks

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Albert Einstein

Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.

Robert Bostick

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Unknown

Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt. He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!” responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”

True Story

It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.

Muhammad Ali

Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.

Unknown

Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change.

Arthur Burt

Biology Walks. Souls Talk. Death Stalks.

Robert Bostick

My elderly dad is just beginning to use technology. His first email was all in the subject line.

David Nihill

Regardless of the changes in technology, the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.

Steve Burnett 

The shortest distance between two people is laughter.

Victor Borge

If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.

Sarah Jones

Argument is the worst sort of conversation.

Jonathan Swift

The most important thing to know in life is how to be friendly.

Drake Prata Baack Age 8

Everyone uses Virtual Reality. They're called dreams.

Robert Bostick 

There are more stars in our Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.

Carl Sagan

 

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble on the road. 

Henry Ward Beecher

I still believe that love is all you need. I don’t know a better message than that. 

Paul McCartney

A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.

Anne Lamott

There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.

John Thomas

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

John Kinnear

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Joey Adams

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Joseph Cossman

Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job.  Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys we could have done without, but overall, you've brought one joyous miracle after another. 

Robert Bostick

Sign On A Plumber’s Truck  'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

Unknown

My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”

I said, “That would be great son.”

“Or a Dinosaur.”

Michael Jr.

Funny Tweets About The Lies Kids Tell

 

 

Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Skye Prata Baack Age 10

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the squirrel it could be done.

Skye Prata Baack Age 10

Give a kid a hammer and he'll treat everything as a nail.

Unknown

Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

To just running after a Frisbee.

Jim Gaffigan

The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.

Anonymous

The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.

It stands for Get Out Leave Family.

Jerry Seinfeld

Office:

A business place where you can relax from your strenuous home life. 

Evan Esar

My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years where people look at it and think “Just tear it down and start all over again."

Bill Burr

Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby.  My hobby is make-believe.

Skye Prata Baack Age 7

Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too.

Gerald Barzan

60 years later a woman was still affected by her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"

Unknown

Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.

Unknown

I'm so compulsive about losing weight, I weigh myself after I cough.

Elayne Boosler

Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.

Unknown

This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day. I watch it every day.

Robert Bostick

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Jean Kerr

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Unknown

One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:

Pull the door that says push.

Unknown

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Zach Galifianakis

Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.

Onion Newspaper Headline

I saw a sign on a lawn that said, “Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”

Then I saw an old man’s face in the window, and his face also said that.

Jackie Pirico

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Abraham Lincoln

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.

Oscar Wilde

Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.

Unknown

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten percent?

Lara Bliss

Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp the frustration of someone else's feelings.

Robert Bostick

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out what kind of advice he wants, and give it to him.

Josh Billing

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

Lily Tomlin

I miss my old car. We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on, and then I would just call its bluff.

Amy Bugg

The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived." It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.

Robert Quick Bostick

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Evan Kessler

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Erica Jong

The President says since he's been in office he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs. My brother-in-law has 4 of them. 

Bill Dyment

In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.

Bill Mayer

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.

Henry Kissinger

If the stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks not selling advice.

Norman Augustine

 

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

Alfred Newman

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Ashleigh Brilliant

The other day a woman asked me to tell her what Mansplaining was and I was like, “Nice try...I have no idea.”

Demetri Martin

Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...

what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is

smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals

...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...

Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.