The Perfect Quote
Smart Presentation Humor, Smart Jokes, Smart One-Liners
Taking a Business Call at Home with Kids
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea
and executing it, is the difference between
looking at the moon,
and getting there.
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he
never replied to me. I don't know what his problem is?
I mean, I don't even know the guy.
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night
and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them.
It worked out though, because I was going to return them anyway.
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The
whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was,
"I should cut my bangs."
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World.
It makes me think of a magical place
that becomes less comfortable over time.
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inches in diameter
- is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter.
The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Corporate leaders today have
gone from big thinkers
to gig thinkers.
Now is the most difficult time to invest.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten
million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
"I wish they would just call the news, 'What's wrong.'
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
I don’t mean to brag but
I finished my 14-day diet
in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
N: "What’s your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad,
cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
I got a job at an amusement park.
I liked to make the rides more terrifying by
throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Life usually requires that we pay for our mistakes.
What you are going through now is that payment.
You can always tell when a man's well-informed.
His views are pretty much like yours.
There is always an easy solution to every human problem
--neat, plausible and wrong.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...
"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.
Want to tell a joke?
The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.
But where would you find one?
Six 'Question' Jokes
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says
"Who shot my paw?"
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing?
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your dog back, your wife back,
your house back and you sober up.
Something that makes a mild cold into
a deadly disease within 24 hours.
Poster on Neighborhood Tree
LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right
ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who use coasters,
and those who don’t.
We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.
When we say Glass Ceiling, we mean Men.
I love my job, it’s the work I hate.
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin."
“Well, after the first two I felt better”
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people,
but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates
just in case I should ever figure it out.
The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy.
and paper under the stall door.
"Reality" is the only word in the English language
that should always be used in quotes.
The worst time to experience fight or flight is on a plane.
Cheerios is a good name for a cereal
but a bad name for a funeral home.
Kleenex may be a good name for a tissue,
but it's an excellent name for a divorce law firm.
Air France is a good name for an airline
but a bad name for a deodorant.
BP is a good name for a gas company
but a bad name for a honey company.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Spring is nature's way of saying let's party.
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks,
you can just say I’m outstanding.
We can put a man on the moon
but we can't remove ourself from a group text.
The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously
- and have someone find out.
Nobody gets the life we planned,
we get what God plans
and we spend the rest of our lives
trying not to hold it against him.
The less people know, the more they yell.
Two things are necessary for great achievement:
a plan and not quite enough time.
We have a rule in our office:
The first one to arrive in the morning makes the coffee.
Everyone after that complains about it.
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for
each money saving idea submitted by its employees?
The first prize went to the employee who suggested
the award be cut to $50.
If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead,
look at any office at quitting time.
Does a professional speaker have to include humor in his talk?
No. Only if he wants to get paid.
National Speakers Association
Laughter short circuits the natural human instinct to judge.
Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'.
He is merely starting afresh.
What is the root word of the word funny?
You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair
and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
The factory of the future will have only two employees,
a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog.
The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
The average person thinks he isn't.
The Power of Inspirational Quotes to Annoy Others.
With the coronavirus, ‘Stay in your Lane’
has been updated to ‘stay in your pajamas.’
Without creative people this world would be
as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters
Listen = Silent
Elvis = Lives
Debit card = Bad credit
Dormitory = Dirty room
Stressed = Desserts
Dog = God
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
"You’re darn tootin.”
If you want a good golf swing
adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
One of my co-workers brought his young son to work
with him. My friend had warned us that his son was a
little shy, so we were all a little surprised to see how
eager he was to meet all of us. As the day wore on
and it got close to quitting time, I happened to notice
how unhappy the youngster appeared to be and I asked
him why he was so disappointed. His answer had all of
us rolling with laughter. He complained that he never
got to see the clowns his dad said he worked with.
Women create and give birth to all our leaders,
our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs,
our teachers, and every president.
It’s truly a woman’s world.
So why do men run it?
If you ever start taking things too seriously,
just remember that we are talking monkeys on an
organic spaceship flying through the universe.
I love watching squirrels...
they always look like they're up to something.
Each day I have one simple goal:
steer clear of the bad neighborhoods of my mind.
Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness
and just be happy.
Start by starting.
Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.
Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.
If you were happy every day of your life
you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.
Life is really hard,
but to be fair to life,
death is not all it’s cracked
up to be either.
We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age;
but we’re all equal in the opportunity
to be astonished by our existence.
We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone
should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized
and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
Your ego is not your amigo.
We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.
General Douglas MacArthur
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative,
a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached
Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt.
He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!”
She responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out;
it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity
is to not hear anything about other people's lives.
Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same
outweighs the pain of change.
Perhaps of all the communication strategies that leaders utilize,
the use of humor is most promising, but least understood.
C. B. Crawford
If there was ever a time we needed humor, it's now.
Regardless of the changes in technology,
the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.
The shortest distance between two people is laughter.
If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.
Don't come home without it either.
Argument is the worst sort of conversation.
The most important thing to know in life
is how to be friendly.
Drake Prata Baack Age 8
We've all heard of Fake news.
Now we're accessorizing
Fake News with Fake Brains.
Order yours Here.
Learn 67 Facts About The Brain Here.
There are more stars in our Universe than there
are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.
I still believe that love is all you need.
I don’t know a better message than that.
Open your presentation with this video and bill it as a
'Yawn Public Service Announcement.' 'A Yawn PSA'
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs,
jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher