Pithy Wit, Wisdom & Charm
*Pithy - a statement that is precise, cleverly worded, and
often punctuated with a touch of surprising wit and insight.
You only have to demonstrate intelligent wit one time for people to never forget that you possess it.
Next to be being witty myself, the next best thing is to quote another's wit.
Christian N. Bovey
I quote others only to better express myself.
Michel De Montaigne
To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach him to be funny; you give him great lines.
The right words in the right order to the right people can get you anywhere in life.
The definition of wit is 'a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor.' Wit implies mental sharpness, inventiveness, and keen intelligence.
People often will remember a funny quote longer than other parts of your presentation,” Cherie Kerr says. “I remember listening once to a long speech, little of which I recall today, except the speaker saying at the end, ‘And, to quote Lily Tomlin, remember that we’re all in this together - by ourselves.’ It was funny, but it also drove home the point she was trying to make.”
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Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing.
Someone doing CrossFit could do it for 30 minutes,
then tell you about it forever.
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband and that made me feel a little better.
I'm launching a self-help podcast about self-help podcasts.
The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."
When management wants your opinion, they’ll give it to you.
I don't think it’s an accident the word Zoom contains the word Zoo.
They shouldn't have called it zoom.
Co-vid would have been a better name.
I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier. This is the single greatest advancement to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature.
B2B doesn't need to stand for "Boring to Boring."
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters.
How - Who
Listen - Silent
Elvis - Lives
Debit card - Bad credit
Dormitory - Dirty room
Stressed - Desserts
Smile - Slime
Dog - God
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses.
The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was,
"I should cut my bangs."
I love waking up in the morning and having those three precious seconds before remembering what's wrong.
It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.
We’re all in this together - by ourselves.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at
seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
What is the similarity between the Eiffel Tower and a bug?
They're both Parisites.
When somebody asks you, how's business, you say, and say it with enthusiasm, 'UNBELIEVABLE!' cause that'll cover it either way.
1. Don't get into strangers' cars.
2. Don't meet people from the internet.
Literally, summon people from the internet to get into their car.
Shouldn't the computer spam folder be called the scam folder?
The correct reply to 90% of social media posts:
"You should meditate and go for a walk."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
The best form of dementia is when you have no recollection of your past or thoughts of the future. You’re just happy now. You’re like a dog.
How would I describe entrepreneurship? It’s a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired.
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon,
and getting there.
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50.
The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
There are many ways to measure wealth.
The guy on the left has a billion dollars in the bank.
The guy on the right has a fully functioning liver.
The guy on the left needs one.
Success is to live your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be something you're not. Follow your passion, stay true to
yourself, never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, then by all means,
you should follow that.
I just want to feel what it feels like to have male confidence.
My fantasy of what it’s like to be a guy is you wake up in the morning, and your eyes open, and you’re like “I’m awesome! People probably want to hear what I have to say!”
Anti-science people like to use 'feel' facts.
'Feel' facts aren’t technically facts...they just 'feel' true.
Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’
We’re here for a good time not a long time.
That’s where humor comes in.
The first heartbeat we hear is our mother.
More often than not, it's you vs. yourself.
Lori Jean Glass
Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small.
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest.
The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts,
“Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.”
The managers, “Shut up! We’re making progress."
The goal of life is to do whatever it takes to stay
out of the bad neighborhoods of our mind.
I don’t mean to brag but I finished my
14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
I never thought I'd be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
"I’m meditating intermittently." "I’ve been working out intermittently." "I’ve been fasting intermittently." I love the word intermittently. It means 'irregular intervals; not continuously or steadily.' It's the perfect word for not doing something but being able to say you are.
Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea and not over the Bay?
Because then they would be called Bagels.
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied back to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean,
I don't even know the guy.
Whenever I get a big bill for an unexpected car repair
I always ask myself what did I do wrong to deserve this?
It’s called Carma.
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me. I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.
Norm Macdonald. R.I.P.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere,
and now they’re just weird.
It takes a player to make a shot, but it takes a team to win the game.
Whatever you do always give 100 %.
Unless you are donating blood.
The only thing that helps me feel better these days
is knowing how much worse things could be.
I call it positive negative thinking.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than
“I quit halfway through a marathon”
Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.
The spelling similarity is uncanny.
Three email subject lines that people are sure to open:
"This is Hilarious" "So Funny" "shortest email ever"
When we say "Glass Ceiling," we mean Men.
In this country, you're guilty until proven wealthy.
Women are moving into Management everywhere today.
What do we call an executive team consisting of all women?
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
We don't have business hours. Only hours.
The Power of Mind over (does it really) Matter.
Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.
The only question is how long the blip will be.
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
We are asleep until we fall in love.
I’m not retiring. I’m rewiring.
I marvel that human beings don't marvel more. Our brains most of the time have our marvel switch switched to "Off." It's too bad because we are much happier when it is switched to "On."
'Plandid': a planned photo designed to look candid.
'Defenestration': The action of throwing someone out of a window.
It makes you wonder who decides when we need a new word.
Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.
You can’t become a decent horseman until you fall off and get up again, a good number of times. There’s life in a nutshell.
You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.
John C. Maxwell
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
Always seek the approval of others. It fills the emptiness inside you.
It also makes the emptiness larger so that it can hold
Oliver Wendell Holmes
I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded.
Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and
one day you went in for your shift and they said,
“Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return them anyway.
I meditate just so I can have the ego stroke I get from thinking,
"I just meditated."
It is a good thing that life is not as serious
as it seems to a waiter.
In a business relationship, it’s more important to make things right than to be right. Actually it's true in every relationship.
My Grandmother thought 'WTF' meant Wow That's Fun.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't
remove ourself from a group text.
Why do they say, “Heads up!” when you’re supposed to duck?
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
Planting trees takes carbon out of the atmosphere. Now we just
need scientists to tell us which trees offer the best bang for their bark.
I took my eyes off the road and got in a car accident the other day.
It was stupid. While I was driving I started reading my CVS receipt.
I'm starting to treat every phone call like I'm on a podcast.
Just two people talking with no one else listening.
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
Death destroys the man, but the idea of death saves him.
E. M. Forster
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
N: "Your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
I’m thinking of setting up a price comparison comparison website to compare price comparison websites.
Word of mouth is how people used to find out about your business.
Now it's word of mouse.
51% Of people think stormy weather affects 'Cloud Computing.'
In the end, everything is a gag.
When perfectionism is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun.
I don't mean to sound judgmental
but judgmental should really have an e after the g.
Designing a presentation without an audience in mind is like writing a love letter and addressing it: To Whom It May Concern.
Sales is like sex. Nothing happens until someone gets excited.
Our company had such a bad year, we made the Misfortune 500.
BING = Bing Is Not Google
PBS. Primarily British Shows.
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends
Etc. End of Thinking Capacity.
M.A.I.D Mother Actually In Disguise
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
You can't read about push-ups. You gotta do them.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All serious and no laughter make Jack a dull presenter too.
It feels significant that most five-year-olds are far less boring
than most 45-year-olds. It’s because they make us laugh
just by being themselves.
High school reunions are tough. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you've only got six months to make something of yourself.
Eating is like being an artist.
When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!”
and it yells “Down here! In the couch cushions!”
My mind is always talking to me. I think it's lonely.
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
The first sign of ethics is you get a feeling you shouldn’t be doing this. I get that feeling every time I’m about to clean the house.
He couldn't tell the truth to a mirror.
People are like teabags; you never know how strong they'll be until they're in hot water.
Rita Mae Brown
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
"You’re darn tootin.”
Everyone has flatulence.
Why? Because we live in a biological factory.
To hide it we live in clothing.
Policeman, Fireman, Weatherman, Mailman, Handyman, and the executive team of every company being called, MANagement.
Oh, so that's what they mean when they say it's a man's world.
If a thing is done well, no one will ask how long it took to do it,
but only, who did it.
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out;
it’s the pebble in your shoe.
The biggest marketing mistake in history was Campbell's Soups for One. They might as well have called it Cream of Loser Soup.
'Open can. Add tears.'
When I die I want my last words to be,
"I left a million dollars under the..."
Statistically, you are more likely to die on the way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to win the lottery itself.
One restaurant that doesn’t deliver, that should, is a food truck.
Just drive it to my house.
Startup investors live by the adage,
"Bet on the Jockey, not on the horse."
What about the track?
When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business.
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
I would meditate more if calming my mind wasn't so stressful.
What’s the definition of minor surgery.
An operation performed on somebody else.
Home is the place where no matter where you're sitting,
you're looking at something you should be doing.
I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
My room was clean but then I had to decide what to wear.
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I would like to.
I believe that mental health is as important as physical health.
So whenever I see a jogger I yell at them,
“What are you running from, honey?”
The universe is not short on wake-up calls.
We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.
"Now?!" - kids to most everything.
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb.
None. It’s a hardware problem.
Your ego is not your amigo.
Let go or be dragged.
Looking for your last four words or an epitaph for your tombstone?
Might I suggest...
"That was hella fun."
Success is all about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
Oh no, I’m having a stroke...of Genius.
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
From a chance meeting of a sperm and an egg to the starting up of a heartbeat from nothing, and then in 9 months we come out smiling. And people think what is happening here on this planet is normal.
People are being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to create impressions that won't last on people we don't care about.
Statistics are numbers with the tears wiped away.
HR: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
HR: “And besides that?”
Me: “Follow up questions”
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me. "Taking your job and asking better interview questions."
On the flight out I saw the pilot biting his nails as he headed into the cockpit. I'd never seen that before. What am I suppose to think. Is he nervous about the plane? Should I be nervous? Am I going to die? Isn't there a law against nail biters becoming pilots?"
Life is really hard, but, to be fair to life,
death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.
Music Festivals: where people don't ask why you're carrying a stuffed dinosaur, they ask the dinosaur's name
or if they can dance with it.
We can put a man on the moon but we can't*
*Make me a robot that can fold my laundry.
*Make a grass that grows two inches and stops.
*Understand what the conductors are saying over
the PA system on the Metro/Subway lines.
Food is my anxiety medication.
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying.” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive.
Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?
Ans: U stop imagining…
Anger is always a bad strategy, and a deceptive one too. Deceptive because it feels so good.
Without creative people, this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Children are the angels of the human race...our better angels.
Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president. It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?
Women have always been an equal part of the past,
just not an equal part of history.
To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?
A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed,
“You must have had a lot of husbands!”
“It’s the 21st century now.
So how come we don’t have flying cars?”
What do you think planes are?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Why don't they call quicksand slowsand?
A humorist is a fellow who realizes, first, that he is no better than anybody else, and, second, that nobody else is either. Homer McLin
I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.
Dogs don’t think about many things.
That’s what distinguishes them from us.
Every day they wake up happy and think,
"Wow! Another fantastic day!”
Ever notice how everything COSMIC becomes COMIC if you don't see the S.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
"Buzzwords" are words substituted for thinking and ideas.
I’ve noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence.
“It’s not the end of the world.” Yes, thank you for reminding me that there’s always one worse outcome than what is.
Researchers analyzed Sigmund Freud and determined he was always afreud. Afreud of his father and mother.
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing
2 guys walked into a bar; the 3rd one ducked.
Ninety-five percent of people who tell "Two Guys in a Bar" jokes are two guys in a bar.
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.
Don't come home without it either.
Fight as if you’re right, listen as if you’re wrong.
Video calls are just modern seances.
"Someone wants to join us",
"Elizabeth, are you there?", "I can't hear you", "can you hear us?"
It isn't news anymore. It's hour-by-hour warnings.
"I wish they would just call the news,
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
Franklin P. Adams
The longest song in the world is the Happy Birthday song to a toddler who is ready to help blow out some candles.
Before television dreams were our entertainment.
Creativity is intelligence having fun.
My primary stress reduction activity is eating impulsively.
Life is brutiful.
When you're an easily offended hammer, everything looks like an offensive nail.
The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is
a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
Corporate leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.
No one is ever going to come up to you and complain to you that your talk was too short.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.
Have you ever noticed the data
you get from your ego is one-sided?
Be grateful for what you’re not going through.
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
Laughter is your best medicine.
International Pharmaceutical Association
“We interrupt our regular program to bring you this special bulletin:
It’s a nice day outside.”
I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Let's face it.
If there was ever a time we needed humor
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.
When you miss the target, never in history has it been the target’s fault.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.
There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it.
Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.