The Good News is we've curated some of the best jokes in the world,
each with exceptional punchlines.
Now you'll get to enjoy the pleasure of delivering a great laugh and the enhanced reputation that goes with it.
But first, watch this...
Your One Minute Setup-Punchline Tutorial
In a sales presentation a well-delivered punchline
can be what delivers a valuable sale to the bottom line.
Why can’t an Engineer tell a joke timing.
To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach him to be funny, you give him great lines.
Robert Quick Bostick
For much of stand-up comedy, a joke is so tied to the performer telling the joke, that it might make no sense if someone else is telling it. But what makes a really good joke great is anyone can tell it.
Your successes aren't what make you likable. Your failures are.
This is why funny enough when you tell a joke badly,
it can make you look good.
A joke is a truth wrapped in a smile.
Three Pitch Perfect Light-Hearted Openers
To tip your audience off that your talk is not going to be a humorless snoozefest here are three opening one-liners you can use to establish your likability and wit right at the beginning of your talk.
"I realize this may be a dry topic for some of you so I don't mind you looking at your watch while I give my presentation. But please do me the courtesy of not tapping it (as you tap yours) to see if it is still working."
"Thank you for putting your phones away. I realize even though we're not looking at our phones...it doesn't mean we're not thinking about them. My goal is to be more exciting than what's on your phone.
I hope I'm not setting the bar too low? "
"The human heart beats 100,000 times a day.* My goal is to have yours beat a couple extra beats as you hear what I have to say."
(Tying an impressive fact into your promised end result is smart and creative. *Note - This is a true fact (source.) Feel free to add it
visually to your presentation for greater impact.)
If somehow after telling a joke no one laughs just say,
“Well that’s the last time I’m going to buy anything from discountjokes.com”
A nice touch of self-deprecating humor will get you the smile.
The founder of HumorPoint does an "In My Mind" Success-Failure
poke at his wishful thinking (self-deprecating humor). You can
do the same for a business goal you set that didn't quite happen.
Two psychiatrists each had their practice in the same building for twenty-five years but had never spoken. After a quarter-century in practice, one still appeared young and upbeat. The other looked old and beat up. One day, they found themselves in the elevator together. Unable to contain his curiosity, the prematurely aged psychiatrist began a conversation with his colleague. “I’ve got to know,” he began. “How can you spend twenty-five years listening to people’s problems and still look so bright and cheerful?” He replied, “Who listens?”
(After delivering the punchline, and the laughter subsides, you can say,"Who listens...we do." )
Two Psychiatrists Joke Presented in a Virtual Meeting
A woman's husband of 60 years died and she thought she should place an obituary in the local newspaper to let everyone know. She called up the paper and the woman on the other end of the line told her, "Obituaries cost five dollars a word." "Five dollars a word! That's ridiculous. Then just write, Fred, Dead!" "I'm sorry, but for an obituary, there is a five-word minimum." “A five-word minimum?!! Fine! 'Fred Dead...Cadillac for Sale.' "
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of finding the lowest cost solution.)
Here is the founder of HumorPoint delivering Fred's Obituary Joke. Notice how he 'acts out' all the characters with different voices and moves his body when speaking for a new character. By acting out a joke it comes alive and you're all the funnier.
Bring Your Child to Work Day
One of my co-workers brought his young son to work with him. My friend had warned us that his son was a little shy, so we were all a little surprised to see how eager he was to meet all of us. As the day wore on and it got close to quitting time, I happened to notice how unhappy the youngster appeared to be and I asked him why he was so disappointed. His answer had all of us rolling with laughter. He complained that he never got to see the clowns his dad said he worked with.
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of managing expectations.)
After looking at the X-Ray, the dentist informed his patient that a root canal would be necessary to relieve his pain. The patient eagerly wanting the pain to stop, agreed to let him proceed. The Root canal was over in five minutes. The patient was then informed the Root Canal was going to cost him $750. "What? $750 for five minutes work?!" "Hey," said the dentist, "I can take as long as you like."
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of value over price.)
In life, you have to show enthusiasm otherwise you will never get anything done. Here is a great example: Three boy scouts had been sent out from the scout meeting to perform their good deed of the day. In about fifteen minutes they came back to report they had all done their good deed. "We helped a little old lady across the street," they said. The Scout Leader was dumbfounded and said, "You mean to tell me that all three of you helped the same old lady across the street? It certainly didn't take all three of you to help her."
"Oh, yes it did," one of the scouts said, "because she didn't want to cross the street."
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of understanding what help your customer really needs from you.)
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the world do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of not
making assumptions before knowing all the facts.)
The Garage Sale
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 a piece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $20 each," I said and left. When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?"I asked excitedly.
"Twenty dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of knowing your price.)
The Truck Driver
An elderly truck driver was eating lunch at a roadside diner when three shaggy young hoodlums, sporting black leather jackets garishly decorated with skulls and crossbones, parked their motorcycles and came inside. They spotted the truck driver and proceeded to taunt him, taking his food away, pushing him off the seat, and insulting his old age. He said nothing, but ﬁnally got up from the ﬂoor, paid his bill, and walked out. One of the bikers, unhappy that they hadn’t provoked a ﬁght, said to the waitress, “Boy, he sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?” “No,” said the waitress, looking out the window, “and he’s not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of coming up with your best response to a difficult situation.)
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. “Your Honour, I stole a can of peaches.” The judge replied, “How many peaches were in the can?” She said, “Six.” The judge then said, “I will sentence you to six days in jail.” Her husband stood up behind her and replied, “Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of not stealing peas.)
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says.
“A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she
just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet.
The floor’s still wet.”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of timing.)
Reading Between the Lines
During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother's hair as auburn. Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked,
"How do you know her hair color is auburn?"
Her student replied,
"Because that's what it says on the box."
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of hiding anything you don't want others to know.)
The Potato Bag Exercise
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m now at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
The Universal Genie Joke For All Occasions
A Genie grants this salesman a wish. The salesman says “I love Hawaii but I don’t like to fly and I hate boats. Could you build a highway from here to Hawaii?” The Genie says Are you nuts?! Do you have any idea how impossible it would be to sink pilings in the Pacific Ocean? Or how much concrete and asphalt you’d need for 2,000 miles of highway? Or, even how much trouble it would be to get an environmental impact release?” The salesman says “OK, then I’d like to know how come our (insert any pertinent business problem here) isn’t working. The Genie says “Were you thinking of a one-lane highway or two?”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of poking fun at your biggest challenges.)
You like surfing the Net and playing computer games at work as much as the next guy. But that’s not always possible if your boss is constantly poking his head in your cubicle to check up on you. With BossTracker.com that’s yesterday’s problem.
We secretly implant a microscopic wireless tracking device on your supervisor. Via cutting edge GPS satellite technology, we’re able to keep you posted on his whereabouts at all times. At $59.95 a month, this is a service that pays for itself in just one week of added fun and decreased stress. And if you’re a frequent at-work napper, for an extra $19.95 a month, we’ll install the Auto Work option which automatically switches your computer to pre-set work documents or spreadsheets whenever your boss is located within ten feet of your workstation.
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of self-motivated employees.)
"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
Comedy Break with Comedian Sebastian Maniscalco
If you don't think you are ready to deliver a great joke to get
your message across...good news...you don't have to. You
can simply present a comedian performing a great comedy
piece and humor wrap the point you want to make around it. For example, this is a great clip to validate the impatient, frustrating feelings people have when
things aren't moving fast enough. You can tie this
relatable piece of humor to the importance of keeping
projects and timelines moving reliably forward.
Or you can relate it to why self-driving cars are safer than human emotionally driven cars. You will make your point and have your audience laughing in the aisles as well.
"I'm hoping to live to be 100 years old."
This final joke is a classic. If you close a presentation with this well-written gem you will leave your audience laughing and amazed by your masterful comedic oratory skills. This joke is for just the right event, but if you think you see an opportunity to deliver it, enjoy it.