The Perfect Joke
Smart Jokes. Smart Presentation Humor.
PS. Telling a great joke is easy.
It's finding one that's hard.
The Good News is we've curated some of the best jokes in the world,
each with exceptional punchlines. Now you'll get to enjoy the pleasure
of delivering a great laugh and the enhanced reputation that goes with it.
But first, watch this...
Your One Minute Setup-Punchline Tutorial
Why can’t an Engineer tell a joke timing.
To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach
him to be funny - you give him great lines.
For much of stand-up comedy, a joke is so tied to the
performer telling the joke, that it might make
no sense if someone else is telling it.
But what makes a really good joke great is anyone can tell it.
A Light-Hearted Opener
"Thank you for putting your phones away.
I realize even though we're not looking at our phones
...it doesn't mean we're not thinking about them."
Everyone can enjoy poking fun at our modern shared obsession.
Two psychiatrists each had their practice in the
same building for twenty-five years but had never
spoken. After a quarter-century in practice, one still
appeared young and upbeat. The other looked old
and beat up. One day, they found themselves in the
elevator together. Unable to contain his curiosity, the prematurely aged psychiatrist began a conversation
with his colleague. “I’ve got to know,” he began. “How
can you spend twenty-five years listening to people’s
problems and still look so bright and cheerful?”
“Who listens?”...was the reply.
After delivering the punchline and the laughter subsides
you can say, "We do." Then after a pause, you can add
"Which is what I hope you will do for me
and what I have to share with you."
Classic Obituary Joke
A woman's husband of 60 years died and she thought
she should place an obituary in the local newspaper to
let everyone know. She called up the paper and the
woman on the other end of the line told her,
"Obituaries cost five dollars a word."
"Five dollars a word! That's ridiculous.
Then just write, Fred, Dead!"
"I'm sorry, but for an obituary,
there is a five-word minimum."
“A five-word minimum?!! Fine! '
Fred Dead...Cadillac for Sale.' "
(A great joke to emphasize the importance
of finding the lowest cost solution.)
Here is the founder of HumorPoint delivering Fred's Obituary
Joke. Notice how he 'acts out' all the characters with different
voices and moves his body when speaking for a new character.
By acting out a joke it comes alive and you're all the funnier.
In life, you have to show enthusiasm otherwise you will
never get anything done. Here is a great example:
Three boy scouts had been sent out from the scout
meeting to perform their good deed of the day. In about
fifteen minutes they came back to report they had all done
their good deed. "We helped a little old lady across the
street," they said. The Scout Leader was dumbfounded
and said, "You mean to tell me that all three of you
helped the same old lady across the street?
It certainly didn't take all three of you to help her."
"Oh, yes it did," one of the scouts said,
"because she didn't want to cross the street."
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of understanding
what help your customer really needs from you.)
The Truck Driver
An elderly truck driver was eating lunch at a roadside
diner when three shaggy young hoodlums, sporting black
leather jackets garishly decorated with skulls and cross-
bones, parked their motorcycles and came inside. They
spotted the truck driver and proceeded to taunt him,
taking his food away, pushing him off the seat, and insul-
ting his old age. He said nothing, but ﬁnally got up from
the ﬂoor, paid his bill, and walked out. One of the bikers,
unhappy that they hadn’t provoked a ﬁght, said to the
waitress, “Boy, he sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?”
“No,” said the waitress, looking out the window, “and
he’s not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his
truck over three motorcycles!”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of coming
up with your best response to a difficult situation.)
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery
store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches.
The inevitable happened and she was caught.
Upon her court date, the judge asked her
what she had stolen.
“Your Honour, I stole a can of peaches.”
The judge replied,
“How many peaches were in the can?”
She said, “Six.”
The judge then said,
“I will sentence you to six days in jail.”
Her husband stood up behind her and replied,
“Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.”
(A great joke to emphasize the
importance of not stealing,,,anything.)
A police officer jumps into his squad car
and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says.
“A woman shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of timing.)
Reading Betwen the LInes
During a lesson about adjectives, my friend,
an elementary school teacher, asked her class to
describe their mothers. One boy described his
mother's hair as auburn. Impressed by his
sophisticated word choice, my friend asked,
"How do you know her hair color is auburn?"
Her student replied,
"Because that's what it says on the box."
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of reading between the lines..)
The Universal Genie Joke For All Occasions
A Genie grants this salesman a wish. The salesman says
“I love Hawaii but I don’t like to fly and I hate boats.
Could you build a highway from here to Hawaii?”
The Genie says Are you nuts?! Do you have any idea how
impossible it would be to sink pilings in the Pacific Ocean?..
Or how much concrete and asphalt you’d need for 2,000
miles of highway? Or, even how much trouble it
would be to get an environmental impact release?”
The salesman says “OK, then I’d like to know how
come our (insert any pertinent business problem here)
isn’t working. The Genie says “Were you thinking
of a one-lane highway or two?”
(A great joke to emphasize the importance of reaching for B.H.A.G.)
(Big Hairy Audacious Goals)
You like surfing the Net and playing computer games at
work as much as the next guy. But that’s not always
possible if your boss is constantly poking his head
in your cubicle to check up on you.
that’s yesterday’s problem.
We secretly implant a microscopic wireless tracking
device on your supervisor. Via cutting edge GPS satellite
technology, we’re able to keep you posted on his whereabouts
at all times. At $59.95 a month, this is a service that pays for
itself in just one week of added fun and decreased stress.
And if you’re a frequent at-work napper, for an extra
$19.95 a month, we’ll install the Auto Work option
which automatically switches your computer to pre-set
work documents or spreadsheets whenever your boss is
located within ten feet of your workstation.
(A great joke to emphasize the importance
of self-motivated employees.)